[Rio’s Christmas List](news_archive.php)
------------------------------------------
'Tis the season of festivities, joy and goodwill to all men and women. So as I’m no longer able to exercise and put the timber, on I’ve decided to don the Father Christmas outfit and hand out some gifts to mark the season.
Rest assured though my outfit will be claret and blue, emblazoned with a West Ham badge and probably have Betway across the chest. I’m not doing none of that red and white nonsense, and the teams of reindeer and elves need both carrots and wages. Obviously some of those recipients of gifts have erred on the side of naughty rather than nice, but hey - even they deserve appropriate gifts. First up...
Lucas Paqueta: A set of self balancing boots. You’ve been carrying around the weight of the world on your shoulders. Which explains the fact you go to ground too easily and too often.
Emerson: A fully functioning and focused Lucas Paqueta in front of you. To bring back the telepathic connection and joy we saw on the left flank.
Alphonse Areola: a DVD of Joe Harts career. Not pretty viewing but thought provoking in terms of how your career may end up if you don’t resolve that issue at the near post.
Mo Kudus: Two gifts, a cushion to make sitting on those uncontrollable stools more tolerable, and the freedom of the pitch. The rigidity of your position this season hasn’t brought a smile to your face.
Aaron Wan-Bisakka: Aa left foot.
Dinos Mavropanos: Concentration. The classic kids card game and the one thing missing from your locker.
Max Kilman & Jean-Clair Todibo: Protection. Sadly if our scouting department has failed to identify a rangy box to box midfielder to help you, then me as just a mere mortal albeit with a magic sleigh is also only able to offer knee and elbow pads.
Jarrod Bowen: The respect and acknowledgement of the rest of the football universe you truly deserve. Was going to get you a Mr. Bigstuff DVD but no one needs that, let alone you.
Guido Rodriguez & Niclas Fullkrug: A set of classic vinyl seven inch singles. Vinyl like yourselves, costs a lot more than it should this year, so here’s some for you. Mainly Ken Dodd's 'Happiness', Captain Sensible's 'Happy Talk' and Simon and Garfunkel’s 'Homeward Bound'.
Tomas Soucek & Vladimir Coufal: Unlimited potato salad and unanimous admiration from our support of your contributions to our club.
Freddie Potts & Callum Marshall: Total Recall. A Schwarzenegger classic and also back from loan into the first team squad.
Lukasz Fabianski & Aaron Creswell: Tickets to Back to the Future the musical. Take notes, Aaron your a scouser, nick the Delorean and go back 10 years and find the cure for eternal youth for the pair of you.
Danny Ings: The club to remove those hair clinic ads from the jumbo screens.
Carlos Soler: Some Readymix concrete and a trowel. Cement your place in the team and don’t allow yourself to be played anywhere else other than centrally.
Crysencio Summerville: A blue plaque to recognise the fact you’re the first person named Crysencio to play for our beloved club. oh and one of those Men in Black style memory erasers to make the rest of the world forget Jimmy Summerville ever existed.
Edson Alvarez: Some E45 cream. To help soothe those rash decisions.
Michail Antonio: A return to full fitness and happiness. You know the score, big fella.
Julen Lopetegui: 24 more hours with your dad.
West Ham’s support: A board that truly cares about you, not just the money they can extort from you.
Karren Brady: A one-way ticket to Highbury, where you truly belong.
David Sullivan: See above. But to Moscow.
Daniel Kretinsky: A DVD of West Ham’s support. To remind you that the Post Office isn’t the only thing you own that offers first class.
Now on to the wider football community...
Tottenham Hotspur: A black and white TV. So you can watch footage in true representation of the last time it truly was your year (1961).
Declan Rice: A large portrait. Of that night in Prague. When you lifted a trophy. Just to remind you, like.
Leeds United: A copy of the Highway Code. To remind you to stay in your lane. Yes you were big in the '60s and '70s. So were flares. And their brief renaissance in the '90s was also short lived.
Manchester City: A notepad, pen and calculator. So you can work out the maths to ensure this loss of form and impending points deduction for financial irregularities can be worked out accurately to save face from winning the league and having it forcibly taken away.
Manchester United: A box of Kleenex. I know you get the same thing every year. But this time it’s not solely because you’re a bunch of self abusers but you now have a reason to cry.
Arsenal: A gift voucher to the popular dessert street food pioneers Humble Crumble. It’s the only time humble will have been part of your life, and crumble. Well it’s self explanatory.
So the sleigh is full! Merry Christmas everybody - and here’s to a new year where we have reason to be joyful.
_\* Like to share your thoughts on this article? Please [visit the KUMB Forum](forum/viewforum.php?f=2) to leave a comment._
_\* **Disclaimer:** The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the highlighted author/s and do not necessarily represent or reflect the official policy or position of KUMB.com._