Newcastle are planning to change their club crest and I, for one, can't wait to see which soulless, PowerPoint-generated, cookie-cutter, four-four-f******'-two design they land on.
A hundred bucks says it'll be something modern that's marketed as interesting, but is actually useless and utterly devoid of character – like Graham Potter, or Enzo Maresca's tactics.
Apparently the "intricate nature" of their current badge is costing them money. Ah yes, poor little sovereign wealth-funded Newcastle – whose sob stories are about as convincing as Meghan Markle's. Life's tougher than Duncan Ferguson's knuckles, isn't it lads? Here, have some LIV Golf tickets.
People call this 'modernisation'. I call it vandalism. That badge has survived relegation, the ridiculous Sports Direct rebrand, and Titus Bramble.
The Saudis have no right to mess with it just so they can slap it a little easier on their oil barrels.
Newcastle's club crest
Newcastle have announced they are going to 'modernise' their iconic club crest (Image: Getty Images)
Besides, like Nottingham Forest this season, it's confusingly brilliant. The seahorses, the little chess piece, the 'grim-up-north' colour scheme – it's a better tribute to Tyneside than a seagull nicking a stottie cake! Changing it just to chase digital relevance is as nonsensical as Chelsea signing Joao Felix last summer.
It's just another nail in the coffin of the club's soul. They're already swimming in Saudi billions, with their shiny new 'project' oozing more unearned privilege than the front seat of Brooklyn Beckham's Lamborghini.
Now they're doing a Prince Harry – distorting their heritage just to look slick on the internet? Sod off! The only thing Newcastle's owners should be simplifying is their moral compass.
Until then, leave the badge alone, and keep your minimalist monstrosities in the bin where they belong next to your dignity and Jason Tindall's discarded polaroid selfies.
Gooners gone gormless
Arteta
Some Arsenal fans want Mikel Arteta sacked after the Gunners' Champions League exit at the hands of PSG (Image: AFP via Getty Images)
Arsenal fans have been Ruben-Amorim-in-the-Premier-League levels of embarrassing for years now, and like Kanye West's reputation, they keep sinking to new lows.
A decent chunk of them want Mikel Arteta's Lego-headed noggin on a spike just because he didn't win the Champions League. That's not just foolish – it's dunderheaded with a capital DURRR.
Sure, they've gone five years without a trophy, but judging success purely on silverware is as short-sighted as judging a keeper purely on reflexes – or Keir Starmer's dwindling popularity purely on Labour's seat count.
Honestly, Gooners have about as much perspective as Cole Palmer has interesting things to say.
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Arteta's turned them from a full-blown meme into one of Europe's best teams. Now, like Ange Postecoglou after a defeat, they actually scare people.
If you think Arteta needs a shiny pot to prove his worth to the club then you've got fewer brain cells than Rasmus Hojlund has goals in 2025. Football isn't just about winning – it's about the journey, the emotion, the chaos.
So wind your necks in, Arsenal fans. After two decades as the Premier League's punchline, your club's been relevant for about as long as Bukayo Saka's had hair on his balls.
Maybe enjoy it for five minutes before you start demanding parades and sackings, you entitled cretins.