Mikel Arteta should show more respect when fulfilling his media duties, while Newcastle v Chelsea should prompt far more questions over ownership issues.
I hope you watched the excellent Ayr v Partick Thistle play-off second leg with player-manager and goal machine, 37-year-old Brian Graham, victorious and sporting what many would think an impenetrable Glasgow accent.
It showed how unpredictable the Championship is and how hard it is to get promoted if you don’t finish first. Partick now have to beat second-placed Livingston and the Premiership’s second-bottom club, probably Ross County, to go up.
Sky and 5 Live pumped up ‘The Race For Eighth’. They seem to have realised what I’ve been banging on about so annoyingly: that the Europa and Conference should always be won by a Premier League club because of the massive financial disparity making it a relatively easy path to the Champions League and silverware.
It gave them a reason to fake ‘excitement’ about who might qualify in this moribund campaign, for the lack of such intrigue elsewhere, of course.
Remember when ‘playing on a Thursday night’ was said like it was an insult or inconvenience? It was always bizarre, not to say, bloody stupid. Yer PFM was traditionally dismissive of the tournament and thought it just got in the way of earning free money in the league, which they thought was more important. They probably think it’s woke. They seem to have realised it was always a moronic attitude and have shut up now.
5 Live featured a worthy intervention by the venerable Pat Murphy to remind everyone that with all the fuss about long throws, they existed before the Premier League Year Zero, citing Chelsea’s Ian Hutchinson, who could really hoy it and regularly reached the opposite side of the penalty area, playing an important role in the 1970 FA Cup final replay-winning goal.
I admired Ian Dennis’s commentary on Southampton v Manchester City with Rob Green. A terrible, comatose game, they deserve praise for staying awake and finding things to say across the 90 minutes that weren’t cynical. Proof that City are less effective with Haaland than without? That’s certainly what the stats say. Never forget games like this when people say how great the league is.
They tried to similarly sell Bournemouth v Villa as a tense, exciting battle for Europe but forgot to tell the players, who gave a good impression of two teams that didn’t much care either way. “They’re trying to step it up,” said Alan Smith of Bournemouth in a scrappy game with just a few incidents of note. “Impressive in an unspectacular sort of way,” added Smith, unintentionally damning both teams with faint praise in that slightly mournful Leicester accent. “I just can’t see where a goal is coming from,” he said with a crushing sadness, as the game got ever worse.
Jacob Ramsey was sent off and the whistle kept going constantly. Even set pieces were hopeless.
Things got so bad, the crowd were chanting for VAR to make up a stupid reason to give a penalty. A last minute goal-line clearance threatened to raise the pulse but thankfully the game ended soon after and put us all out of our misery. I think such games don’t get the criticism they deserve because they’re so common, we take them for granted. But they are rotten value for money, sold as elite football but in reality nothing of the sort.
Kelly was wearing the biggest out-sized suit I’ve ever seen that would act as a sail in a stiff breeze. Jamie doesn’t seem to be wearing Sketchers slip ons.
But soon it was onto the League Two play-off semi and Notts County v AFC Wimbledon. I hoped for better fare. Nice to see Wimbledon sporting the War Child logo on their shirts. Social conscience? It’ll never catch on.
It was an excellent game, with some great goalkeeping, so much better than the previous match despite being League Two. Jules Warren presents and he always seems relaxed and keen. Gary Weaver does the comms. He’s as good as their frontline and better than some, without any annoying tics. Mind, the co-comm, Sam Parkin, showed a lack of knowledge of the rules in disagreeing with the late red card.
Maybe I missed it but for the Newcastle v Chelsea game, controversial, obnoxious ownership issues are not even mentioned. Don’t harsh the buzz, man. They do reference Inside Matters, however. Watch your mental health, especially if there are bonesaws around.
It’s irresponsible, really. ‘What do you think of an autocratic, murderous regime, Ally? Well, at the end of the day, it’s not ideal, but they’ve got money and that’s what matters, it really is.’
Still, let’s pretend all that inconvenient truth doesn’t exist and even if it does, it’s nothing to do with us, right? We’re just helpless sportswashed saps. Let’s instead complain that critics have not mentioned every other human rights abuse in the world in the same breath as a way to ignore it all and just talk about football. But it won’t go away, though familiarity is doing a good job of making it seem so.
It was an enjoyable game by Newcastle and in the first half, Chelsea seemed to wilt in the white heat of the febrile crowd and some toweringly loveable Dan Burn-ing, who must qualify for some sort of fan’s favourite award. Jackson was sent off for a seriously unsubtle forearm smash to the face which Ally McCoist seemed to try and excuse like it’s 1985 as “not an elbow to the head,” like that was in any way significant.
Barry Ferguson won his first Premiership home game for Rangers, proving that looking a bit of a heed-the-ball isn’t enough to be successful. Some other lamb to the slaughter will be in charge next season
The Liverpool v Arsenal game was easily avoided and I opted for the FA Trophy Final instead to eat my prawn curry in front of. Much more wholesome and I enjoyed Aldershot’s 3-0 win over Spennymoor, where I once waited two hours for a bus in the 1980s and it showed how much it all means even at this level.
I did see Captain Black’s comical post-game interview which looked like someone answering the police’s questions about why he’s got ten DVD players in his front room and a stolen Capri in the drive, which rather made him look foolish once more. He doesn’t help himself by being stroppy. You want the big money? You’ve got to take it in good grace, son. Juliet Ferrington is employed to ask questions – you might not like it, it might be a waste of your precious time, but pay her some respect, she deserves that much and TV demands it. Remember, you’re indebted to your paymasters. They made you rich, so suck it up. You’re their £15million b***h. Don’t like it? Feel free to quit and go and eat some ludicrously priced gold-covered steak.
Then it was off to Italy to complete a nine-hour football day with Napoli v Patrick Vieira’s Genoa. Scott McTominay is playing out of his skin for Napoli and on square sausage-based pizza too. Napoli manager Antonio Conte looks like a hobbity woodland creature in a Tolkein novel. Fantastic goals and an exciting, hugely entertaining match with Adam Summerton and Adam Virgo ending 2-2. It’s a proper title race in Serie A this season, you just can’t call it with two games to go.
The Brexit bulldog was at the helm on Monday for Sheffield United v Bristol City and had a look that could sour milk, despite or possibly because winning meant promotion is one step closer and therefore so is the inevitable sack again when they lose all the time. Sheffield United look good and odds-on to win the play-off final against Sunderland and Regis Le Bris who is French and is thus is stealing an Englishman’s job. Isn’t that right, Bulldog?
Monday Night Club was with Theo, Chris, Chappers and Rory Smith. They talked about Evangelos Marinakis coming onto the pitch; Trent Alexander-Arnold and the booing; how easy it has become to laugh at Mikel Arteta, the ridiculous things he’s said recently and how he seems to think football owes him something; the pathetic prideless Spurs and Man Utd bin fires and how hapless the managers are.
The excellent Archie Rhind-Tutt was talking about newly-promoted Hamburg, and also Harry Kane. Rory argues that Carlo Ancelotti to Brazil is as humiliating for them as it is for England. Xabi Alonso to Real Madrid being a bit easier after this poor season is another topic. Superb, as ever. Hard to believe some football followers don’t listen.
Partick Thistle played Livingston in their promotion semi-final with flats towering over the stadium at Firhill in Maryhill in north-west Glasgow, and red sandstone tenements clearly visible. Proper community-based football where this 149-year-old club has played since 1909. Never mind your corporate branding, pitchside ads here are for the likes of McNairs Building Supplies and other local firms. But Livvy are more powerful and clinical and win 2-0. Should have been 1-2 with a late Brian Graham miss and it strikes me that BBC Scotland’s football team is like one big friendship group. I suppose if you don’t enjoy one, you won’t like any but I find as a team, they strike an excellent balance.
It’s about time that Sunlun got a slice of good fortune, scoring in the last minute against Frank Lampard’s Coventry. Let’s hope they beat Sheffield United, but I bet they don’t.
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Celtic mauled Aberdeen 5-1 at Pittodrie where even on a sunny May evening you need a coat. Aberdeen are 38 points behind them in fourth and it all felt a bit inevitable as it often does. Celtic are so superior. It made me question if this state of affairs and its consequent economics is what anybody outside the Celtic fanbase really wants? I have no answers either way, but if this goes on and on and on, I just cannot see the point beyond it being a sort of exhibition. Football’s attraction is based around contest, jeopardy and at least a relatively even playing field. They were all absent in Aberdeen on Wednesday night.
Thursday saw Charlton play Wycombe, a great battle which Nathan Jones’ side went into in much superior form. He does come across as a bit over-focused, like a maths professor taking games. They win by a goal and that brought another week of football-watching to an end and all this sun makes a young man’s mind turn to the thwack of leather on willow – but I won’t trouble you with my perversions.
Johnny is an amazingly successful author as well as a football idiot. Get his novels in the usual places and www.johnnicholson.co.uk