The 2025/26 Premier League fixtures have landed, and you know what that means – Sky Sports is gearing up to unleash a parade of overhyped w*nk-fests.
Here are five August fixtures we’re pretty sure will deliver exactly that…
Manchester United v Arsenal: August 17
‘Rivalry renewed?’ and ‘The Ruben Amorim era really starts now!’ are just two examples of the utter tripe Sky will ram down our throats when Manchester United host Arsenal on the first Super Sunday of the 2025/26 season.
There will be a vibrancy in the air because it is the opening weekend, but having watched (and been fortunate enough to avoid having to somehow conjure 16 Conclusions) Arsenal’s recent trips to Old Trafford, that balloon will quickly burst when a striker-less Gunners side are overly reserved and Man United are still really quite s**t.
The downfall of this once-great rivalry is underlined by the fact it’s now deemed insignificant enough to be scheduled for matchday one. Two title contenders rarely meet on the opening weekend. Some might argue there are exceptions – like Chelsea against Manchester City last year, or Roy Hodgson’s Liverpool against Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal – but if you genuinely believe those were title deciders in waiting, your head needs a wobble.
We’ll admit the Emirates encounters between these two sides – even when United have been historically rubbish – have usually been fairly decent during Mikel Arteta’s reign. But the last two league matches in Manchester have been forgettable at best. The only thing Sky’s punditry team had to discuss at half- and full-time was the positioning of an Arsenal wall at a free-kick in March’s drab 1-1 draw.
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Leeds United v Everton: August 18
A bouncing Elland Road will host Premier League football on Sky for the first time since 2023, and Sky are going to lap up that narrative like never before. “Just listen to that noise!” Dave Jones will exclaim before handing over to the commentary team, after Jamie Carragher passionately explains why Leeds United ‘belong’ in the biggest and best league in the world. We’re bored already.
Leeds are a big club with a rich history, sure, but the ‘too big for the Championship’ narrative is tired, and we’re not looking forward to it becoming prominent once again. They’ve spent three years out of a possible 21 in the top flight – and as many in League One. Maybe, after all, they belong in the Championship, bottling league titles and play-off finals.
It being Everton makes this a winnable fixture for Leeds, but that’s about as much as the opposition add to the occasion. They’ll be too focused on taking to the Hill Dickinson turf the following week…
Everton v Brighton: Weekend of August 23
TNT Sports got Everton’s final Premier League match at Goodison Park, so we’re fairly confident Sky won’t let the Toffees’ Hill Dickinson curtain-raiser slip through their sweaty little fingers.
There really isn’t much explanation needed here as Everton prepare for life at their shiny new stadium. It’s going to be hilariously anti-climactic when Brighton stroll to a 3-0 win.
Newcastle United v Liverpool: Weekend of August 23
This is ‘a fixture that never fails to deliver goals’, people. Strap in for an instant classic. The St James’ Park atmosphere will make this tough for the champions. If this one is under the lights, we’re f**king finished.
Not only will their Premier League history and the drunken Geordies take centre stage, but this is also the Carabao Cup final rematch. That adds such an important, significant layer to the fixture that we don’t need high-pitched Carragher excitement to hammer home how good it could be.
Nor does it need clips of matches from a million years ago, or images of a dejected Kevin Keegan slumped over an advertising board. Do ancient clips with completely irrelevant players and managers really get people up for games in 2025?
Arne Slot will be hell-bent on revenge against the team that denied him a league and cup double, while Newcastle might fancy announcing themselves as surprise title contenders after a summer of needless haggling and contract extensions for Sean Longstaff and Martin Dubravka.
There’ll also be the usual comments about Alexander Isak and Anthony Gordon being Liverpool transfer targets – despite no real attempt being made to sign either – and Florian Wirtz being introduced to English football by a raucous, intimidating atmosphere, led by that big topless bloke with the ‘NUFC’ tattoo. We’re sure he’ll be really bothered.
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Liverpool v Arsenal: Weekend of August 30
This fixture rarely disappoints, but there’s no doubt Sky are going to overhype an early-season encounter between last season’s top two.
“Is this already a huge match in the title race?” Dave Jones will ask, after his employers have done everything in their power to ensure fans are brainwashed into believing that is the case.
These two Premier League giants will lock horns on the weekend of August 30, but the build-up is already underway, folks; you just haven’t realised it yet. As the match nears, Sky will make you believe that missing it merits a death sentence, after they give the fixture a ridiculous name (THE EARLY DECIDER?). Hopefully Andy Robertson is still a Liverpool player and does something babyish to get Roy Keane riled for a classic soundbite. That’ll make it all worth the hype…