Boy, the Gareth Southgate Fan Club were out in force last week, weren't they?
They were smugger than Piers Morgan when Cristiano Ronaldo scores a penalty, or Sir Jim Ratcliffe when he shaves £4.50 off Manchester United's electricity bill. Why? Because Thomas Tuchel's England lost a friendly – something Gareff did more times than he made impactful substitutions as Three Lions boss, by the way.
Never mind that it was an end-of-season dead rubber. Nah, that didn't matter to these bourgeois bozos. They'll happily watch England crash and burn like Jermaine Jenas' BBC career if it'll help convince them they weren't absolute planks for ignoring Southgate's glaring managerial deficiencies the way Trent Alexander-Arnold ignores wingers he's supposed to tackle.
Honestly, Southgate is to middle-class England fans what Roger Federer is to Wimbledon-loving snobs. "Oh, isn't he marvellous? D'you know he takes his children skiing where Penelope and Rupert take theirs? Absolute chap."
Granted, England were dire against Senegal and Andorra – we're talking United's chances of signing Viktor Gyokeres levels of dire – but those results are largely meaningless, given England won the one that counted for something.
Sir Gareth Southgate
Gareth Southgate fans were out in force after England's defeat to Senegal (Image: PA Wire)
If you spent eight years excusing Southgate's risk-averse snoozefests, but leapt on Tuchel's first defeat like a seagull on a chip, or Chelsea on an overpriced teenager, then you're just a soggy-brained football zealot with all the consistency of Rasmus Hojlund's first touch.
No more Red herrings
Right. Can we ban Liverpool fans from moaning about financial inequality for a few years please?
I know stopping that lot from whinging is like asking Paul Scholes to provide insightful punditry – utterly futile. But given the fact their side are about to spaff £116million up the wall on Florian Wirtz, I reckon it's worth a punt.
Fair play to Liverpool, mind. Wirtz is mustard. Massive statement. Respect the ambition etc. But it makes their plucky, underdog This Means More™ schtick look like the kind of self-serving denialism Jude Bellingham dishes out while screaming at refs for having the audacity to treat him like a footballer instead of the Crown Prince of Madrid.
Florian Wirtz
Liverpool are on the verge of breaking the British transfer record for Florian Wirtz (Image: AFP via Getty Images)
Let's not forget, they've already smashed British transfer records for a goalkeeper and a defender in recent years – and would've done it for a midfielder had their Moises Caicedo hijack not collapsed faster than Arsenal in a title race.
And it's not just the transfer fees either. Wirtz is gonna be on a Scrooge McDuck salary – the sort of cash that would have even the Saudis double-checking their spreadsheets.
That, by the way, could mean three of the top five earners in the Prem will be Liverpool players next season. So park the violins, lads. Your team's as much of an underdog as Jamie Carragher is in a spitting contest.