Today’s sports headlines feature Robbie Williams, SpudBros and an OnlyFans model, because the end of the world truly cannot come fast enough.
Sports report
We know, we know: no good can ever come from spending even a single second in the company of the MailOnline’s Sidebar of Shame, but we do think today’s offering is egregious enough to merit special mention.
Because under the laughable title ‘Stars of Sport’ we get these three headlines:
OnlyFans model, 29, speaks out on romantic links with 17-year-old Barcelona star Lamine Yamal – as she reveals ‘another girl’ joined teenager on getaway
The perfect mash! Viral TikTok stars the SpudBros go from flogging £12 meals to sponsoring EFL club with announcement expected TODAY
Ex-Man United boss Erik Ten Hag meets Robbie Williams after attending gig in Amsterdam as he enjoys his summer before start at Bayer Leverkusen
We never thought we’d say this, but can we hear more from transfer clickbait?
The Magic Number
Now, Mediawatch is often busy gleefully/irritatedly pointing out the latest trends in headline-based chicanery, but in our amusement/annoyance we can at least usually see how and why certain styles of headline have achieved such prominence in recent years, where their fundamental flaws or ambiguous nature or outright deceit are very much feature rather than bug.
But there is one such headline trope that is perhaps more cravenly and openly dishonest than almost all others, yet the explanation or justification for which we have never really understood. We genuinely don’t know how or why these headlines came to be or what purpose they serve when they are always, by definition, such transparent horsesh*t.
The Mail today offer up this example.
Fans are all saying the same thing as Chelsea reach the last-16 of the Club World Cup – and learn next opponents
Three fans, they’ve found. Three fans on x-formerly-known-as-Twitter talking about Chelsea and Bayern avoiding each other at the Club World Cup after both finished second in their groups.
It’s not even three fans ‘saying the same thing’ because one is a Chelsea fan who’s pleased they’ve avoided Bayern and the other two are non-Chelsea fans sad about it.
So, in summary, ‘fans are all saying the same thing’ is three fans saying different things about the same topic.
We know the cause is lost. We know nobody else really gives a shiny sh*te. We know we are an old snarky Web 1.0 column yelling at curiosity-gap clouds.
But these headlines aren’t just mischievously ambiguous with entirely intended potential misunderstandings based on pushing you toward the more interesting of the possible interpretations while always all along meaning the most boring one. These headlines are just outright lies. And we’re pretty sure that used to be frowned upon.
Scam warning
Let us continue grinding our teeth to dusty stumps, with The Sun.
Fans say Chelsea have ‘scammed their way to CWC final’ after Kane blunder
Fan. Singular. One fan. One fan who was obviously joking about his own club.
That’s more like it
The Daily Express may seem the most unlikely of destinations for a palate cleanser, but it is there we head for a more more agreeable flavour of headline bollocks.
These are the type of headline shenanigans we can at least understand and, on some level, even enjoy.
Man Utd unlock next deal after Bryan Mbeumo as ‘£26m transfer agreed’
Yes, it’s our old friend ‘as’ doing some outrageous heavy lifting to lead the summer children down a path where they might foolishly think that a suspiciously low £26m has anything at all to do with Bryan Mbeumo. Or, indeed, Man United.
Now seasoned headline watchers already know from the ‘as’ that this is a cut-and-shut comprising two entirely unrelated events, but the ‘next deal after’ does in fairness offer further clues even for the naïve about what kind of pish is about to go down.
Still, though, the ‘£26m transfer agreed’ in a headline about Man Utd and Bryan Mbeumo in fact being a deal where Real Betis agree a fee with Atletico Madrid for Johnny Cardoso is still a heck of a leap given that neither of those clubs is Man United and Cardoso is not and never has been a Man United player.
So what, exactly has been unlocked? Betis could spend that money on buying Antony, couldn’t they? And thus from two non-click-generating Spanish clubs agreeing a deal comes a headline that serendipitously contains the far more potent words ‘Man Utd’ and ‘Bryan Mbeumo’ and ‘transfer agreed’.
That’s the good stuff.