We’ve used science and data and all that good stuff to predict precisely who some clubs will sign next.
Don’t get angry with us about these absolutely nailed-on prognostications. Get angry with science, if you must, but fair warning, that makes you look like a crazy person.
Arsenal: Vito Mannone
Mikel Arteta is obsessed with buying goalkeepers. It’s kind of his thing. So while Arsenal might hope or expect to see a lovely central midfielder or even, bless, their hearts, an actual centre-forward arrive through the training ground doors, pure logic and playing the odds tells us it’s far more likely to be a goalkeeper.
Even though Arsenal already have a very good goalkeeper and have already signed another goalkeeper this summer. That just shows how much they like signing goalkeepers. Even if you count Kai Havertz and Gabriel Jesus as centre-forwards, then Arteta has still signed twice as many goalkeepers as centre-forwards as Arsenal manager.
Again, using nothing but the very purest and definitely non-mental of logic, that means they MUST sign one more goalkeeper this summer if they wish to procure one number nine. It’s very simple.
Having established that Lille are Arsenal’s favourite club to buy from, how about this for a possible solution to a goalkeeper problem that doesn’t actually exist at the Emirates? Bring back Vito Mannone.
It’s not technically buying from Lille because he’s now out of contract and thus available on a free. But that’s even better, isn’t it? Free! Free stuff can only ever be good news.
And frankly, if your major issue here with any of this is ‘Re-signing Vito Mannone wouldn’t technically be Arsenal buying another player from Lille, actually’ then you should be taking a long, hard look at yourself.
Manchester United: Viktor Gyokeres
We know. We’re as surprised as you that this one is actually quite reasonable. It might even actually happen, we haven’t really checked too closely where exactly we currently sit today on the never-ending blows-and-boosts Gyokeres news cycle.
But it is a very on-brand Manchester United signing for so many reasons. Buying a player from the manager’s former club? Tick. Spending huge money on a striker? Tick. Spending huge money on a striker who’s never actually done the business in a top league before? Tick.
The only possible question-mark here is whether, if this did end up happening, United would have ended up paying the full Man United Tax, or merely the more bog-standard Premier League and bidding war tax.
The idea of a ‘cut-price’ deal here despite talk of it actually coming in below the release clause still feels a bit misleading to us. It’s going to be a very full price.
Tottenham: Absolutely anyone and everyone from the upcoming Lyon firesale
Spurs bloody love a transfer bargain that doesn’t actually turn out to be a bargain. If football transfers were a supermarket, Spurs would do 73% of their shopping in the middle of Lidl before spunking whatever cash they’ve got left on bullshit ‘picky bits’ from Waitrose.
Lyon are already a club Spurs like to work with, presumably because back when Jean-Michel Aulas was in charge there was a healthy mutual respect between him and Daniel Levy as the transfer game’s two most notoriously difficult bastards. It genuinely is a wonder they ever managed to get a deal done, but we suspect every time they each walked away certain they’d pulled the other’s pants down.
Aulas definitely won with Tanguy Ndombele and Clinton Njie, but we will have to give Hugo Lloris to Levy.
But with Lyon now booted into Ligue 2 – obviously pending an appeal – there is presumably some kind of whoops aisle apocalypse in store. Everything must go, and Spurs cannot resist that orange sticker.
No idea who they’ll end up with, of course, because to try and predict that would be an attempt to impose order on a club that exists in permanent chaos. Three slightly shop-soiled right-backs, probably. Can never have too many, can you? And those best before dates are a scam, actually, cooked up to make you throw stuff away and buy some more.
Aston Villa: Jarrad Branthwaite
Villa and Everton have been cosy transfer bedfellows for the longest time now – even before there was mutually beneficial PSR chicanery definitely and absolutely not involved.
Villa’s serendipitous and entirely coincidental sale of their women’s team to themselves for an eye-watering price has sorted out any PSR concerns this time, so that’s nice, even though actually of course that wasn’t actually in any way a motivating factor actually, and thus the spending can continue from a club that likes to buy itself expensive treats these days. Even if sometimes they can only borrow them for a bit.
Villa are the social-media influencer trying to project an image of extreme wealth that doesn’t quite match the reality, in a way.
But while missing out on another crack at the Champions League is a disappointment and financial impediment, they can surely still shop at the Everton store for at least one more summer.
Villa are in need of a centre-back with their Other January Loan, Axel Disasi, heading back to Chelsea, so why not Jarrad Branthwaite from their favourite shopping spot? Well, several reasons. But ignore those.
It’s an undoubted step up for a player who might just need it to get himself the attention that could drive greater international opportunities, one that gives him a chance to play alongside some pretty handy defenders and under a very decent manager, all without the greater risks of a move to a fully-fledged giant where the danger of being swallowed up and spat out are very real indeed.
Villa’s foundations may be slightly shaky, but they do remain an ideal ‘next step’ kind of club for players of Branthwaite’s ilk. Big enough and successful enough to definitely not be a sideways step, but without the laser focus and goldfish bowl existence and instant rushes to judgement that come by jumping straight to even loftier ground.
What’s in it for Everton is much less clear, but this isn’t about them. Even if we do give this one about a 0.1% chance of actually happening.
Chelsea: Kaoru Mitoma
There are two types of players Chelsea bloody love signing: tricky wingers they surely don’t need any more of, and Brighton players.
Frankly we’re just surprised that nobody else has really gone for this absolutely perfect example of how two plus two equals four before. It is an absolute David Brent hand gesture of a perfect cosmic and footballing alignment.
Apart from the fact we really rather like Kaoru Mitoma, and he doesn’t deserve any of this.
Newcastle United: Mikel Oyarzabal
A very obvious and definitely correct rule of transfer dealings is that something that worked last time will absolutely always work again the next time you try it.
Which is obviously why Newcastle’s next move in the transfer market should be buying a striker from Real Sociedad.
The foolproof plan is this:
1 – Sign Mikel Oyarzabal from Real Sociedad
2 – Sell the last striker you bought from Real Sociedad
3 – Profit
Honestly, this whole transfer caper is far simpler and far easier to crack than these daft teams so often make it look.