We reassigned the not-sure-to-be-relegated stars of Manchester City back in September last year when the FFP hearing began, then in March when we thought the verdict might be close, and here we are again having heard enough rumblings of an imminent outcome, perhaps in the false hope that said verdict will also include the punishment and no desire for endless appeals and various other unforeseen delays to kick the sanction down the road, to do an update in preparation for the Citizens’ relegation from the Premier League.
Not least because there has been significant change in the squad since that last update to render it obsolete to the decision-makers at the Etihad – we’re only thinking of them.
Marcus Bettinelli – Liverpool
After playing one game in four seasons for Chelsea before his summer move to Manchester City, which club can Bettinelli join to be as good as guaranteed to play no football whatsoever?
Stefan Ortega – Southampton
From 1986 loanee Eric Nixon to Angus Gunn, then Willy Caballero (alright, he was at Chelsea in between) and finally Gavin Bazunu, Southampton do have a thing for signing Manchester City keepers.
Gianluigi Donnarumma – Manchester United
On the off-chance that the one appearance from Senne Lammens isn’t in fact bona fide evidence of him being “Schmeichel in disguise” or the next Edwin van der Sar.
James Trafford – Newcastle United
Surely already regretting snubbing them for City in the summer.
Rayan Ait-Nouri – Liverpool
Because their summer left-back signing isn’t cutting it.
Nico O’Reilly – Liverpool
Because their left-back alternative is no longer cutting it.
Nathan Ake – Newcastle United
Ake has said that Eddie Howe has the “Pep effect”, whatever that means, but also insists they maintain “a very good relationship” from their Bournemouth days.
Ruben Dias – Al Nassr
Might be the only Portuguese international that Cristiano Ronaldo is yet to tap up in his role as player-cum-manager-cum-director of Al Nassr.
Josko Gvardiol – Arsenal
A centre-back-cum-full-back, you say? Yes please.
Abdukodir Khusanov – Paris Saint-Germain
It was a baptism of fire in the Premier League for a guy who was playing in the Belarusian league just over two years ago, but he’s definitely got something about him and PSG under Luis Enrique looks as good a spot as any for burgeoning young talent.
Rico Lewis – Bournemouth
That really is an almost parodically Bournemouth footballer name.
John Stones – Everton
“John will go on to big things, I’ve no doubt about that,” David Moyes said soon after signing Stones from Barnsley for £3m in his first stint as Everton boss. Unlikely to be followed back to Goodison by fellow 2012/2013 signings Steven Pienaar, Kevin Mirallas and Steven Naismith.
Mateo Kovacic – Inter
A move that feels destined to happen given Kovacic has ‘opened the door to a return’ on multiple occasions since leaving Inter for Real Madrid nearly a decade ago.
Nico Gonzalez – West Ham
The natural next stop for Rodri back-ups who pale in comparison before Ipswich and then Leeds.
Matheus Nunes – Wolves
The Portuguese town of Wolverhampton is looking distressfully light on Portuguese players, and the midfielder might just get to play in midfield upon his return.
Kalvin Phillips – Leeds
All evidence suggests it’s the only football club Kalvin Phillips can play football for.
Tijani Reijnders – Manchester United
What’s one more player wholly unsuited to the system of a failing manager who’s got at least another season to go?
Rodri – Real Madrid
Xabi Alonso is on the verge of dusting off his own boots as he searches for a midfield dictator to anchor the Real Madrid midfield.
Bernardo Silva – Fulham
The chance for the Irish father and son to reunite at Craven Cottage is not something Fulham manager Marc O’Silva is about to miss.
Oscar Bobb – Borussia Dortmund
A short stay, during which he’ll score and assist sufficiently to raise his market value to £100m-plus, earning him the move to Real Madrid.
Rayan Cherki – Juventus
We’ve decided on the basis of 71 minutes that he’s not good enough for a Premier League rival or any of Barcelona, Real Madrid, PSG or Bayern Munich to sign him. Any old Serie A side would have done.
Jeremy Doku – Arsenal
Wanted a left winger in the summer and will again at the end of the season, by which time Mikel Arteta will hopefully have realised Eberechi Eze is a No.10.
Phil Foden – Chelsea
That Chelsea squad really is looking a little light on precociously talented attacking options and it’s obviously the place to go for Manchester City academy graduates.
Savinho – Palermo
Followed by Troyes, Lommel, New York City, Mumbai City and whichever other clubs the City Football Group add to their roster between now and then.
Omar Marmoush – Atletico Madrid
The place to go for young, talented strikers sick of playing second fiddle to Erling Haaland.
Erling Haaland – Barcelona
Nine years to go on his City contract but we can’t see him sticking around for long in what’s become ‘the Erling Haaland team’, relegation or not. Barcelona president Joan Laporta is ‘obsessed’ with the thought of Haaland replacing Robert Lewandowski as the Catalans’ No.9.
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