After One Year Of Marriage I Asked Those Whove Been Married For 20 How To Make It Last
Steve Azzara/Getty Images
It was my wife and I’s first anniversary the other day. We spent it eating sticky cinnamon buns and Fritos in a hotel bed in Hollywood while watching an American football match, a game neither of us understood, even after Googling the rules multiple times. In other words, it was perfect. But it’s often perfect, even when it’s not. We have an easy marriage; one defined by fun, curiosity and affection. Yes, we bicker sometimes, but of course we do. The last argument we had was because she said she didn’t like ’80s movies, and I took it personally, even though I wasn’t even born then.
But though we have a very good marriage, it’s still in its nascency – I’m aware of that. We haven’t had kids. We haven’t endured many of the hardships and struggles that come later. One of us hasn’t had a mid-life crisis, or an affair with their secretary (we don’t have the types of jobs where anyone has a secretary). There have been no major health issues to navigate, no enduring sense of plodding malaise. All of which got me thinking: what exactly is a “successful” marriage, if such a concept exists, and how might one have one for decades? As a child bride (in my thirties), I don’t have all the answers. But there are people out there who might.
Read More
“It Was A Way For Me To Process What Was Happening”: Lily Allen On Marriage, Motherhood And Her Music Comeback
ByOlivia Marks
article image
From the outset, it was hard to find couples who’d been married for 20 plus years and wanted to talk about it. What were they hiding? What did they know? I decided to ring up my lovely mother-in-law, for starters, who has been married for over three decades, and who might have some insight. She told me that she’d never really thought about it – the mechanism of such a long-lasting marriage – but that it was a case of togetherness and separateness, and of giving each other some slack. “It’s about being a bit chilled and not getting in a pickle about the small stuff,” she said (my mind flashed to the argument about ’80s movies). It’s also, she said, about reminding yourself that the other person can’t read your mind, and vice versa.
The more married couples I eventually coaxed out of the woodwork, the more patterns I started to see emerge. One friend, Kate, 49, told me that there’s an element of adaptability that keeps a marriage together – something earlier echoed by my mother-in-law. “Our relationship has evolved and changed shape multiple times over the years. You adapt to the changes at different speeds and have to be patient to find each other in the new phases, which isn’t always easy but worth doing,” Kate said. “For me, a successful marriage is built on kindness, understanding and a huge dollop of compromise. Listen to each other.”
For Paulo, 73, who’s been married for 43 years, it’s about “being partners in crime, while accepting that we are individuals with different opinions – but always willing to reach a single conclusion.” His wife, 70-year-old Alba, underlined an element of joy. “I don’t think there is any secret per se. Just love and respect one another, have fun, and always be there for each other.” Is there anything Alba wish she’d known after a year of marriage that she knows now? “We should have travelled more and explored more of the world together,” she said. I tucked that last piece of advice away in my back pocket; maybe I should start hassling my wife once again to drive me to Italy?
Read More
“My Husband Of 20 Years And I No Longer Have Sex – Is Our Marriage Over?”
ByEva Wiseman
Image may contain: Medalion Rahimi, David Williams, Clothing, Coat, Face, Head, Person, Photography, Portrait, and Body Part
Everyone I spoke to, from my mother-in-law to my grandma, emphasised friendship in a marriage. You have to actually like each other. Often, their partner was their best mate. “Friendship is the foundation,” David and Macarena – both 64 and married for exactly half of that time – sent me in a joint email. “Say yes to adventures. Be each other’s greatest supporter, but always stay true to yourself. Never change who you are for your partner. Nurture your own interests; it brings richness and dimension to the marriage.” Sue, 55, told me that nobody makes her laugh like her husband. “The good stuff has to outweigh the bad more often than it doesn’t. That’s the equation.”
If there was one thread tying all of these married peoples’ advice together, it was a certain generosity of spirit. Or, as Ruth, married for 21 years, put it: “Realising you are both flawed and accepting that, rather than trying to change someone.” I thought again about my own marriage. I can be laidback, but I can also be neurotic to the point of appearing critical – it really depends on the time of the month. I made a mental note to lean more towards the former, because it makes a difference. In Dr John M Gottman’s best-selling 1999 book The Seven Principles For Making A Marriage Work, he wrote this of happily married couples: “Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs.”
Next March will mark 12 years since the first legally recognised same-sex marriage in the UK. It’s a shame that, for this article, I wasn’t able to consult any same-sex couples who’d been married for 20 years or more – they simply don’t exist! (Although that’s not to say there aren’t long-term same-sex couples who are practically married, regardless of whether a piece of paper says so). Even so, I am curious as to how heteronormative dynamics and expectations – or lack thereof – alter the shape of a decades-long marriage. Will mine and other queer marriages be different? Will they be broadly the same? You’ll have to ask me in 20 years’ time, if I’m still here, still married. Of course I hope I will be.
Recently, the French fashion designer Michèle Lamy, who has been married to Rick Owens for close to 20 years, revealed that the two sometimes have opposing tastes with regards to furniture. “We are the opposite when it comes to buying things,” she told Cultured magazine. “Sometimes there’s a piece I can’t stand – but it stays. Or I tell him to buy something, with a push. It becomes part of the story.” After speaking to so many couples, and considering my own, I think this small anecdote can be recognised as a much wider allegory for a successful marriage. You might not like exactly what they like – but it stays, on principle. Like Lamy says, it becomes part of the story.
Read More
I Met The Man Who Knows Why People Cheat, Get Divorced Or Find Lasting Love
ByDaisy Jones
article image