If West Ham’s season were a car, it would be a clapped-out Vauxhall Astra, coughing and spluttering its way up the Premier League motorway, hazard lights blinking, and the “check engine light” glowing brighter than the London Stadium floodlights. The Hammers’ start has been so poor, even their own shadows seem reluctant to follow them onto the pitch.
West Ham’s recent form is like a leaky umbrella in a monsoon—utterly useless. Six defeats in their last eight, and the only thing falling faster than our league position is the optimism of our supporters. The new manager, Nuno Espírito Santo, is trying to plug holes in a ship that’s not just sinking but actively inviting water in for a swim.
Meanwhile, Newcastle arrive with the confidence of a magpie in a budgie cage. Yes, they’ve had their own wobbles, defensive injuries, and a few patchy results, but compared to West Ham, they look like a well-oiled machine. Eddie Howe’s men have enough firepower to make the Hammers’ backline quake like a jelly on a washing machine.
The Hammers have conceded more goals than any other team in the Premier League so far (20 in just 9 games) and have the worst goal difference (-13). We’ve found the net just 7 times (only Forest have scored fewer goals), and we’ve picked up just one point in the last six games (even Wolves have two!). Our defence facing Newcastle’s attack will be like a sandcastle facing the incoming tide. And woe betide even giving away corners. With nine goals conceded from set pieces (no other team has let in more than three) the danger begins every time the ball is placed in the quadrant by our corner flag.
Newcastle haven’t been a free scoring side themselves, only averaging one goal a game in their nine games; only the bottom three (including ourselves) have scored fewer. But on the other hand they are mean defensively; only conceding eight (only four teams have conceded fewer goals).
Just wait until you see the team sheet! Some of Nuno’s team selections look like they were picked by spinning a wheel of fortune to pick the player and then throwing two dice to decide on the position. He never did manage to throw nine. Nuno is trying a new style of tactical innovation that is hard to comprehend. He tried it once and it didn’t work. So what was the solution? That’s right – try it again. So as we prepare to face Newcastle keep an eye on the line-up. We can probably expect a performance that’s less ‘101 Greatest Hits’ and more ‘Now That’s What I Call Confusing 101’!
Up front with Nuno the false nine is all the rage. This is a striker who doesn’t actually play as a striker but instead wanders around like a lost roadie looking for the stage door. The opposition centre backs get the cigars out while they are left marking empty space, while the false nine is busy dropping deep because that is where he really wants to play. Effectively it’s like playing without a striker at all. It’s like Phil Collins playing ‘In The Air Tonight’ without his drum kit.
Who came up with the idea of inverted full backs? Is this a Nuno invention or do other teams do it? Why play Scarles at right back? I don’t think he’s played there before and if he has, it doesn’t look like he has. And at the same time why play Wan Bissaka or Walker-Peters at left back which is Scarles natural position. They can play there if necessary but surely they are both better suited to the right back role? And when this inversion doesn’t work why not try it again? Unbelievable Jeff. Ollie Scarles shoulder injury will probably ensure that Nuno doesn’t try this one for a third time.
If West Ham manage to win, and I’d love it just love it (_insert Kevin Keegan voice_) if we can beat them and pull off the shock of our season. But it would be as surprising as finding a twenty pound note in an old coat pocket. More likely, Newcastle will leave London with three points and we will be left searching for positives like a miner with a broken torch. Although football managers always do manage to find positives even after being defeated.
Come on you irons! Surprise me.