Or, the Hammers vs the Clarets: a battle for who gets to be less miserable?
Welcome to the London Stadium for the most stomach-churning fixture of the season: a relegation six-pointer disguised as a routine Saturday afternoon kick-off.
After finally, finally, remembering how to win a football match at home last weekend (a 3-1 minor miracle against a dreadful Newcastle side), West Ham now faces a terrifying prospect: consistency.
We sit 18th, separated from 17th-placed Burnley only by the faint hope that Lucas Paqueta and Jarrod Bowen can perform another act of footballing alchemy. Our new manager, Nuno Espírito Santo, now has a 100% home win rate since last Sunday, a statistic so beautiful it’s almost certainly unsustainable.
The challenge is simple: can we avoid the classic West Ham move of following a moment of genuine, heartfelt triumph with a completely flat, self-destructive loss?
The "Fortress" of Self-Doubt
Tomas Soucek, bless his optimistic heart, called the London Stadium a "fortress" after the Newcastle win. The last time this ‘fortress’ repelled an opponent was back in February. It’s less of a castle and more of a leaky garden shed with a very long queue for the toilets.
We face a Burnley side, managed by Scott Parker, who have at least shown they can score goals, but who also ship them almost as reliably as we do (eleven conceded in five). They’ve only managed one win on the road, but given our propensity for acting as the generous hosts who offer struggling teams a much-needed lift, we should be nervous.
Expect Paqueta to try nine impossible through-balls, Bowen to run 15 miles, and Freddie Potts to be denied another debut goal by a VAR decision that cites an obscure bylaw from 1957.
The Cynic’s Prediction
A grinding 1-1 draw. Both teams get a point they desperately need but leaves them both profoundly dissatisfied. The tension will be thicker than the gravy in the stadium pies.
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