How hard could it be? True, winning an NBA title is incredibly hard. But I have a more reasonable goal in mind: running a basketball team slightly better than Nico Harrison did. I feel like I could do that.
Here’s my application to be the next general manager of the Dallas Mavericks. Two or three readers may remember that I’ve applied before for this kind of job, in 2022, on the basis that I would read scouting reports (unlike former Phoenix Suns GM James Jones), keep my phone turned on (unlike the Brooklyn Nets during that one draft), occasionally prank Shams Charania with fake scoops, and never acquire Ben Simmons. Sadly, I didn’t think to mention D’Angelo Russell.
In lieu of updating my résumé, here is an eight-step plan for my Mavs tenure, and why the team should trust me to rebuild its torpedoed reputation.
Step One: Trade Anthony Davis, Max Christie, and the Lakers’ 2029 first-round draft pick to the Los Angeles Lakers for Luka Doncic and Maxi Kleber
There’s no way they say no to this. Doncic is out of shape, and defense wins championships.
Step Two: Tell everyone I tried after the Lakers say no to my trade offer
I’ll be sure to hold a press conference and tell everyone that I asked for Luka back but Rob Pelinka said no. Then he made me pay for our Ascension Coffee. This will lead directly to step three.
Step Three: Blame Nico for everything that happens, but only for five years
Blaming everything on Harrison for only five years is a very generous offer. Obviously, all the draft picks Harrison traded away—the Mavs don’t control their own picks from 2027 through 2030, and those picks figure to be very high—will make it hard to field a competitive team during the Cooper Flagg era. (Oh, hey, I won’t need to learn how to draft. Bully for me.) Even when world-changing young talents arrive on last-place teams, it takes time to build all the complementary pieces around them. Victor Wembanyama is in his third season this year, while Shai Gilgeous-Alexander won the Most Valuable Player award and the NBA Finals in his seventh.
In this context, my willingness to accept the blame starting in fall 2030 should be seen as downright charitable. I’ll only allow Harrison’s shadow to loom over everything I do for five scant years. After that, the buck stops here. I’m all about accountability.
Step Four: Don’t trade Cooper Flagg
As Mike Piellucci pointed out earlier, Harrison once commented that “everyone would praise me for doing nothing.” If only he had followed his own advice. Luckily for the Mavs, I can.
Step Five: Acquire Mac McClung
Yes, this sounds weird. Let me explain. We’re going to have to trade away almost every short-termer on this team to build a squad that can be competitive around Flagg and our 2026 first-round pick. This season will be full-on tank mode to get the best lottery odds we can. Call it Barren for Darryn, Loser for Boozer, or, uh, De-Pants Us for Dybantsa? I’m still working on that one.
Point is, this team is going nowhere, and my front office will be stripping away all the spare parts that won’t make sense around Flagg in 2027. The fans need something to watch. That’s where Mac McClung steps in. If we can’t have anything else, we can at least have two pasty guys who rain down cartoony dunks on their opponents. Let’s see how many nukes they drop on some poor leadfoot from New Orleans.
I know McClung has only 52 career points in nine games, not even six per. But does the AAC have a Dunkin’ sponsorship deal? Any time he scores 15, everyone gets free donuts. If we’re not going to be good, we can at least be the Harlem Globetrotters. Speaking of which, are the Harlem Globetrotters free agents?
Step Six: Send Dirk some flowers and a nice bottle of wine
Let’s be friends again.
Step Seven: Compensate free agents through a sneaky Adelson slush fund
The years 2027 through 2030 will be difficult. With minimal ability to draft new talent, and a mortal terror of trading any additional draft capital, we’ll likely have only free agency to help build the roster around Flagg, our 2026 draft stud, and Dereck Lively II. That could get real expensive, real fast. Luckily, the Mavs are owned by amoral billionaire casino magnates. I think I’ll take some inspiration from Los Angeles Clippers owner Steve Ballmer, who is alleged to have used a lawncare company to funnel extra millions to Kawhi Leonard.
So here’s the question. Will Austin Reaves endorse the new Downtown Dallas casino complex for $50 million, or will he be “employed” as a celebrity lobbyist trying to legalize gambling at the Texas Legislature?
Step Eight: Promise to leave with a modestly sized golden parachute
I’m a man of small ambitions. I don’t need much money to retire early and feel financially independent for life. Call it $2.5 million. NBA executive salaries are not reported publicly, but it feels like a safe bet that Harrison made more than that.
When the Adelsons are ready to fire me for some future scandal I’ve caused, maybe by mentioning Jason Kidd’s arrests too many times or pointing out each and every tax break the Mavericks swindled the city of Dallas for to get their new arena built, I will be happy to walk away with a severance of $2.5 million. That’s got to be a bargain, right? That’s less than 3 percent of what Jimbo Fisher took to leave Texas A&M.
By that point, obviously, Mavericks fans will hate me. But I’ll take a lifetime of solace in the knowledge that they’ll always hate Nico more. And that they’ll always have those sweet, sweet dunks.
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Brian Reinhart
Brian Reinhart
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Brian Reinhart became D Magazine’s dining critic in early 2022 after six years of reviewing restaurants for the Dallas Observer and the Dallas Morning News.