Draymond Green usually has to deal with NBA commissioner Adam Silver and the NBA’s head of discipline, James Jones. But in a new commercial for “Dick’s Sporting Goods,” the Golden State Warriors forward comes up lacking against the ultimate judge of naughtiness and niceness, St. Nicholas.
In the ad, titled “Swishness,” Dallas Wings star Paige Bueckers, golfer Bryson DeChambeau, and Dallas Cowboys wide receivers CeeDee Lamb all get the seal of approval from Santa Claus, while Draymond is dismissed by the jolly old elf with a, “Maybe next year, Mister Green.”
It’s a joke about how Draymond keeps hitting people! For many people, including a lot of Warriors fans, that joke isn’t all that cute anymore. In the director’s cut of the commercial, Green is in line to visit Santa and tell him what he wants for Christmas, only to storm off into the mall’s locker room because he didn’t like Santa’s criticism of his turnovers.
Draymond has a remarkable presence in media and commercials, despite seemingly being quite unpopular, at least with NBA fans on the Internet. We can still see him shooting hoops with his fake daughter, who is truly terrible at basketball, braving animals to retrieve their ball in what must be the worst-designed basketball court of all time, where any errant shot rolls down the side of the mountain.
She’s not even close to the basket! Lower the hoop, Draymond!
Luckily, there is not a commercial where he is teaching sex ed to an Benjamin Button/Uncanny Valley version of teenage Kevin Love telling him about the Hawks and the Hornets, perhaps the most unsettling NBA ad of the century.
But what stands out is that “Swishmas” exemplifies a hideous new Christmas commercial phenomenon: Hot Santa. We’re not sure where this started. Target has a hot Santa named Chris, who this year is canonically an unpredictable Target employee who makes horrible hacky one-liners about buffalo wings.
Dick’s Sporting Goods also has a Hot Santa, a young and slim version of Kris Kringle who is less “jolly old elf” and more “Timothy Olyphant if he fell victim to the Santa Clause.” Which leads to a question: is there a large audience out there for the SILF: the Santa I’d Like to Fornicate with? Do not confuse that with “ELF,” an acronym that means “Elf I’d like to Fornicate with.”
Truly, this is a sign of the decline of our culture: Santa who bangs. It’s for everyone and yet for no one at the same time. Christmas may be one of our least sexualized holidays, trailing only Thanksgiving and, of course, Memorial Day. Is there a genre of Christmas carols that are about making out with Santa? It’s really just “Santa, Baby,” as “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is about seeing your dad dressed up in an elf suit to get some holiday strange from your mom.
Sexy Christmas songs focus more on exploiting a terrible snowstorm to pressure a date into spending the night than actually wanting to get it on with a man who sees you when your sleeping and knows when you’re awake, which honestly seems more problematic than “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Perhaps our culture has simply reached the point where body shaming has reached the North Pole.
Here’s what may really be going on. Corporations have seen the runaway success that Progressive has had with insurance-obsessed saleswoman “Flo,” who has appeared in over 1,000 ads. Think of all the thirsty attempts from Capital One to make the “Capital One Bank Guy” happen, as well as Jake from State Farm, who underwent a racial switch when the company changed actors, Toyota spokeswoman “Jan,” who occasionally displays magical powers, and Bay Area animated legend, Erin Esurance, who had to be discontinued because the internet was too horny and made X-rated images — of a fictional cartoon insurance spy.
Heres the uncomfortable truth: Flo was an unprecedented combination of a talented actress, a novel concept, and a world weirdly ready to start getting their comedy shorts in the form of warring car insurance ads. You can’t really reproduce the magic of Flo.
And that is also true of Draymond Green, a truly unconventional player who may have never emerged without Steph Curry, but also an incredibly smart player strong enough to guard centers and quick enough to blow up offensive plays, while passing like a point guard. Just like NBA teams tried in vain to find the next Draymond Green of their own — Denzel Valentine was picked in the lottery after the Warriors set the NBA wins record — companies have mostly whiffed on their next-gen Flo’s.
Ultimately, Santa Claus belongs to the children of the world, and not Target or Dick’s Sporting Goods or Coca-Cola or whoever else co-opts him, no matter what his abs look like. Draymond Green may have had his share of bad behavior in 2025, but he shouldn’t let some dime-store Daddy Noel tell him he’s not on the nice list. After all, that guys true love might have five golden rings, but Draymond has four championship rings, and Santa has zero. And if playing on the LIV Tour didn’t put DeChambeau on the naughty list, we can assume that Dick’s Santa Claus can’t be trusted.