Morning all.
Why does everything beep these days? You know the way there are complaints about how we can’t see the night sky properly anymore because of the artificial lights from cities and satellite arrays owned by irredeemable wankers? Surely the same must apply to that rarest of commodities: silence.
It’s no wonder everyone’s on edge. Sure, the world is run by absolute lunatics and bastards, but even in our own homes we can’t get a moment’s peace. Leave your fridge door open a bit too long: **beeeep**. Put something down on your induction hob that isn’t a pot or a pan: **beeeep**. The air-fryer has been held up by many as one of the greatest kitchen inventions of the modern era, and don’t get me wrong, they’re handy, but holy crap they beep. Set the time: **beeeep**. Set the temperature: **beeeep**. Food is done: **beepy-beeeeeep**. My microwave when something is done: **beeeeep**. And it won’t stop until you open the door. Turn anything on: **beeeep**. Turn anything off: **beeeep**. Watch football, Arsenal put you through the ringer, watch’s heart monitor thing advises you might be about die: **beeeeeep**.
I know, I’ll go for a nice relaxing drive. That will help me calm down. Drive 31kph in 30kph zone: **beeeeep – beeeeep – beeeeep**. Then you get to a 50kph zone but for some reason this technological miracle of a car that has GPS and knows to the inch where on this godforsaken planet it is thinks it’s 30 even though the road sign clearly says it’s 50 **beeeeep – beeeeep – beeeeep**.
Then when you want a beep, there’s nothing. Yesterday, I set a reminder on my phone because the tickets were going on sale for Arsenal’s pre-season game in Dublin in August. The very least you expect is that the phone would alert you via some kind of beep or musical chime. Nothing. It put up a notification window on the phone that I saw hours later. Fortunately, I was ahead of the game and got my tickets, but when I needed the beep there was no beep.
Perhaps that seems like an odd complaint from someone clearly irritated by all the beeping, but all we’re looking for here is some consistency. Is that too much to ask? In the next general election, if there’s an anti-beeping candidate, they’re probably going to get my first choice vote. I just want to hear bird song again. The simple hum of a fridge that probably needs to be replaced and is making that low humming rattle that tells you time is almost up. I need less beep. Please. Thanks.
I did get tickets for Arsenal’s game in Dublin at Lansdowne Road in August. That should be a bit of fun, but there’s plenty of time to look forward to that. In the meantime, we have some players in action this evening in World Cup play-offs. First, Christian Norgaard should feature for Denmark as they take on North Macedonia, at the very least you’d say at least he’s not carrying any accumulated fatigue into an important game for his country.
Then, Riccardo Calafiori’s Italy take on Northern Ireland. He was a bit of an injury doubt, but I expect he’ll play the full game with no issues, then in the last minute he’ll slip, do the splits and his one groin will become two groins, like some kind of partitioned island. He spoke this week about how the Italy manager Gennaro Gattuso called him more often than his mother in the last few months, but I think we can all understand that.
And in Valencia, Ukraine play a Sweden side for whom Viktor Gyokeres will likely lead the line. Like almost everyone else he had a difficult day at Wembley, so I’m curious to see what he can produce for his country later. He’s such an odd player really, you might make the argument that a goal or two on international duty would be useful for him in terms of confidence and rhythm, but since his arrival he looks like he operates in a kind of exclusion zone where those things are not really relevant to him. I could be wrong, but it just doesn’t feel like he’s impacted by those things, for better or worse.
He can be decent in a game and not score; he can be terrible and score. He can score and be good and bad from one half to the next. He can not score and be anonymous. Ultimately you just want to give him the chance to shoot, which is how he is most effective, but sometimes when you give him in the ball it’s like he’s distracted by a beep because his fridge door was left open and the opportunity is gone.
Anyway, good luck to all the Gunners in action tonight, but above all else I just want them to get through these upcoming games without any aches or strains or niggles or knocks or twists or ruptures or anything more catastrophic. It’s not a lot to ask.
Right, I’ll leave it there for now. I’ll have an Arsecast for you in a little while, in the meantime, enjoy your day. Your beep-filled day.