This week, Harry's going after Tottenham for the complete mess they've made of their season - and at Arsenal for the 'injury crisis' that has befallen them
21:29, 05 Apr 2026
Harry Brent AI
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Our man Harry Brent is raging in his latest column
The absolute nuclear dumpster fire that is Tottenham Hotspur this season is funnier to watch than a YouTube compilation of Women's Super League goalkeeping gaffes.
But it's also starting to properly wind me up. How on earth can an institution dripping with wealth, state-of-the-art gloss and an artisan cheese room end up in a mess this embarrassing?
They're bungling themselves into oblivion through sheer force of industrial-scale incompetence and a revolving-door leadership policy that makes the Tories look like a model of stability.
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Tottenham Hotspur players look dejected
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Tottenham are just a point above the relegation zone(Image: Getty Images)
I'm not saying they were wrong to sack Igor Tudor. They weren't. He was the managerial equivalent of a cat throwing up on a duvet cover. But hiring him in the first place was the sort of brain-dead misjudgement that even Robert Sanchez wouldn't make.
Now, they've handed a five-year contract to Roberto De Zerbi – a man who spends less time in jobs than Tyson Fury does in retirement. Honestly, they have the same sense and long-term planning skills of Birmingham City Council.
Despite having a squad worth £700million, Spurs are playing with the aesthetic appeal and rhythmic grace of a Piers Morgan sex tape. This is a team that should be pushing for the top four without breaking a sweat.
Roberto De Zerbi and Lucas Bergvall
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Roberto De Zerbi has been appointed Spurs boss on a risky five year deal(Image: Chloe Knott/Tottenham Hotspur FC/Shutterstock)
Instead, they're circling the relegation zone like a confused goldfish for the second season running. That is Ryan Giggs bonking his brother's wife-levels of unforgivable.
They have the survival instincts of Queers For Palestine, the emotional resilience of a toddler lost in a supermarket and the versatility of Neil Warnock's wardrobe. Just relegate them already.
Dark Artsenal
If your heart doesn't bleed for Mikel Arteta right now then you're an unfeeling monster of Roy Keaneian proportions. Poor, beleaguered Mikel. Life is just one long, cruel obstacle course for the man, isn't it? Much like being a West Ham fan.
Arsenal's Spanish manager Mikel Arteta looks on during the English League Cup final football match between Arsenal and Manchester City at Wembley Stadium in London on March 22, 2026. (Photo by Glyn KIRK / AFP via Getty Images) / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or 'live' services. Online in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No video emulation. Social media in-match use limited to 120 images. An additional 40 images may be used in extra time. No use in betting publications, games or single club/league/player publications. /
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Mikel Arteta's Arsenal have mastered the dark arts this season(Image: GLYN KIRK, AFP via Getty Images)
With Arsenal on the verge of their first title since 2004, they've been plunged into a crisis so grotesquely unlucky it makes Paula Radcliffe being remembered for a mid-race s*** rather than as a world champion marathon runner feel fair.
This week, 12 of their senior players withdrew from international duty due to injury. Twelve – one more than Martin Keown has functioning brain cells. What rotten luck. What an unfortunate sequence of entirely coincidental and definitely-not-convenient events.
Declan Rice, Bukayo Saka, William Saliba, Gabriel Magalhaes, Eberechi Eze, Jurrien Timber and Martin Zubimendi – the bulk of their starting XI struck down in the space of a few days. If they win the league from here, it's bigger than Leicester!
LONDON, ENGLAND - MARCH 17: (2ndL) Eberechi Eze celebrates scoring the 1st Arsenal goal with (L) William Saliba, (2ndL), (R) Bukayo Saka and (2ndR) Declan Rice during the UEFA Champions League 2025/26 Round of 16 Second Leg match between Arsenal FC and Bayer 04 Leverkusen at Arsenal Stadium on March 17, 2026 in London, England. (Photo by Stuart MacFarlane/Arsenal FC via Getty Images)
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The bulk of Arsenal starting XI withdrew from international duty(Image: Stuart MacFarlane, Arsenal FC via Getty Images)
In case you couldn't tell, I'm being as sarcastic as Paul Scholes is miserable. Make no mistake, what we're witnessing is a full-blown outbreak of 'Arteta-itis' – a rare condition where a player is physically incapable of boarding a plane for their country but will be flying into 50/50 tackles and sprinting like a greyhound come Arsenal's next game.
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You almost have to respect the sheer brazenness of it. Arsenal are dark arts on steroids this season – a kind of ugly, cynical blob of a football club Boris Johnsoning their way to success through manufactured chaos and a total disregard for basic integrity.
If they don't end up as champions – after deploying the sort of sneaky, underhanded tactics that would make late-night texts from John Terry to your missus look innocent – then it will have to go down as the mother of all Premier League bottlejobs.
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