placeholder image
Getty Images
Chelsea fans are reeling from the side’s latest shambolic Premier League display
Just before kick-off in Chelsea’s bank holiday Monday clash with Nottingham Forest, Sky Sports match commentator Seb Hutchinson said something along the lines of “One thing’s for sure: it can’t be any worse than their performance against Brighton”. Seasoned Blues fans watching may well have responded out loud in unison, with an impression of Mick McCarthy’s now iconic “It can”. And then, it did.
Within just three minutes, Nottingham Forest - who had essentially fielded a reserve team due to their full focus being on this week’s Europa League semi-final with Aston Villa - were ahead. Right-winger Dilane Bakwa made Marc Cucurella look like Peep Show’s Mark Corrigan, skinning the bewildered Spain international before setting up Taiwo Awoniyi for the opener. That very much set the tone for the rest of the game.
Ten minutes later, the Tricky Trees doubled their lead, as Malo Gusto decided to do an impression of a parent stopping their toddler trying to run across a busy road - grasping hold of Awonyi’s shirt and attempting to wrench him back as he prepared to launch another header on goal. Igor Jesus stuffed away his spot kick confidently, prompting fresh howls of anguish from the Stamford Bridge faithful.
Cole Palmer, once so very ice cold, had a hot-headed penalty saved before half-time, continuing his troubling descent into the fiery depths of footballing hell. Awonyi put Forest three up shortly after the break and, to round things off, Joao Pedro casually scored a contender for goal of the season, helpfully putting himself well and truly in the shop window for a potential summer sale.
The worst thing is, that’s only half the story. Aside from the highlights, it was another hopeless, disjointed display of ‘crab football’ (you could substitute the ‘b’ in that phrase for a ‘p’ and it would still be a valid description) from the Blues. Multiple misplaced passes were met with more fury from the home support, whose anger bounced between both the expensively assembled circus troupe on the field and the clueless ringmasters sitting ashen faced in the posh seats.
Now, we’re not claiming to be medically trained beyond a dusty, decade-old first aid certificate, but witnessing this kind of abject horror on a weekly basis can only be detrimental to one’s mental and physical health. In a bid to tackle this issue, we’ve compiled a list of experiences surely less painful than sitting through a Chelsea match.
Five things less painful than watching Chelsea: wasps and peppers
Befriending a warrior wasp: The Schmidt Sting Pain Index, if you’re unfamiliar, is a system devised by American entomologist Justin O. Schmidt that ranks the discomfort endured from various insect stings. He did the research himself, letting bullet ants, bald-faced hornets and more go to town on his bare flesh. We can only presume that the ‘O’ in his name is short for ‘Off his rocker’.
Top of that list is the warrior wasp, whose fierce sting is beautifully described as “Torture. You are chained in the flow of an active volcano”. While the two-hour endurance of said sting does elapse your average football match runtime, it’s surely got to be a less traumatic experience than watching Pedro Neto sprinting the length of the pitch before abruptly stopping and then passing backwards, time and time again.
Chowing down on some chillies: While we’re on the topic of pain scales, the Scoville Scale is a handy tool used to measure the spiciness of chilli peppers - starting with the humble bell pepper at the bottom, all the way up to the formidable, edible inferno that is the California Reaper at the top.
Instead of putting yourself through the discomfort of watching Robert Sanchez clumsily attempt to play the ball out from the back as if he’s wearing a new pair of Louboutin heels, why not douse your palate in a light dose of Trinidad Moruga scorpion pepper hot sauce? Either way, you’ll be in tears.
Five things less painful than watching Chelsea: freezers and flatpacks
Spending an afternoon defrosting the freezer: As tedious household chores go, this one is right up there. Hacking away at stubborn sheets of seemingly impenetrable ice with a wooden spoon that simply isn’t fit for the job? It’s not all that far off having to watch Chelsea break down any half-decent defence. Although the wooden spoon is probably from Harrods, in their case.
Skip another agonising afternoon watching Chelsea, and instead get that freezer looking sparkling once again. You might even find a stray packet of long-forgotten potato waffles lurking amidst the densely-packed ice crystals, as a rewarding post-clean dinner.
Building some flatpack furniture: Save yourself the gross economic output of Bulgaria, or whatever it is they charge for a ticket in Chelsea’s West Stand these days, and finally crack on with assembling that set of drawers you’ve been meaning to deal with for the past three months.
Yes, the instructions are incomprehensible, you’re missing half the pieces and indeed the most of the tools required for the job - but is it really a worse way to fill a Saturday afternoon than watching Liam ‘more yellow cards than Chelsea goals’ Delap careering his way around the pitch like a Tasmanian devil made entirely from elbows? Certainly not.
Watching the Moscow ‘08 highlights: Before Chelsea ticked the Champions League off their silverware bucket list, it was very much their Holy Grail. After going out in the semi-finals three times in four seasons, they at last made it to the final - only to lose to Manchester United on penalties, with John Terry’s infamous slip in the pounding rain costing them the trophy.
Watching that again in full would be bleak, but what a joy it would be to see legends like Frank Lampard, Petr Cech, Didier Drogba and Claude Makelele in the royal blue shirt once again. Better to shed a retrospective tear of heartbreak for Avram Grant’s brave boys than one of fury when Alejandro Garnacho balloons another shot into the depths of the Matthew Harding Stand, as the old saying goes.
Continue Reading