Third-place games at the FIFA World Cup tend to go only one of two ways. All the pressure’s off and teams generally just want to be home … so the game turns into either an absolute non-event, or, if we’re lucky, a fun exhibition where both teams showcase a bit of the beautiful game under the Florida sunshine. And boy, was it sunny last night!
Let’s start with the final score, 6-4. A hockey-score, as José Mourinho might say. Certainly not a football score. 6-4, England. Third place for the Three Lions, their second highest finish ever and best since winning it all in 1966. Congrats to them and the under-fire Thomas Tuchel.
“Why couldn’t they play like this in the semifinal?”, cried the masses after a first-half that saw France not give two [SHOES] and England score just about every time they touched the ball. Declan Rice showed up for a bit and got a lovely goal less than three minutes in, then England produced a Premier League Special™ (a.k.a. a goal from a corner) to double their lead barely a quarter hour into the game.
France rolled out a strong team, including a Kylian Mbappé looking for not only the Golden Boot but the all-time lead in World Cup goals (mission accomplished, for now), but they couldn’t at all be bothered to lift a finger out of possession and England took advantage gleefully. Bukayo Saka’s brace made it 4-0 at half-time … and things only got more ridiculous from there.
Obviously, France weren’t too keen on getting embarrassed, even in a third-place game, and it was their turn to put in a proper shift when the match resumed for the second half. Mbappé scored one, then set up another, then scored another, all in about 20 minutes, and suddenly we had an actual match on our hands, with one goal in it heading into the final “quarter”.
The teams traded multiple massive chances, including future Chelsea man Morgan Rogers missing when it looked easier to score … only for former Chelsea (Academy) man Michael Olise to somehow one-up that with a quite an unbelievable miss at the other end that would’ve completed France’s comeback.
Current Chelsea man Malo Gusto, getting his first start at the World Cup, then decided to do a bit of running at last and end the madness by chopping down Djed Spence in the area with just a few minutes left in regulation. From the spot, Saka completed his hat-trick, surely putting the game to bed.
But oh no, not this game. Ousmane Dembélé popped up with a bit of Ballon d’Or magic — twisting and turning Trevoh Chalobah, on for a late came to make his trip to the States not a complete waste of time — before Jude Bellingham dog-walked potential future Chelsea player Maxence Lacroix then nutmegged Dayot Upamecano to score England’s sixth in the final seconds of added-on time.
Six. Four.
So that was fun. Over to you, Argentina.
(Gusto came off shortly after his tackle, with some saying he might have suffered an injury; it looked more like just a cramp to me. Reece James did also play a few minutes, coming on late for Jarell Quansah.)