NFL montage
Credit: Kirby Lee-Imagn Images, Jay Biggerstaff-Imagn Images, Barry Reeger-Imagn Images, Mark J. Rebilas-Imagn Images, Charles LeClaire-Imagn Images, Troy Taormina-Imagn Images, Ken Blaze-Imagn Images
The NFL is back to monopolize our minds and, in some cases, our souls. There’s really no such thing as an offseason for football in America, but if you have managed to avoid the NFL machine over the past six months, I’m here to help.
The preseason is the land of possibilities, ripe territory for hot takes and predictions. None of us have any idea what will actually unfold over the next six months. If most of these preseason predictions are destined to age poorly, we should at least get a solid playlist out of it. So, I took it upon myself to project all 32 teams’ definitive theme songs for the 2026 NFL season.
Consider this your guide — a cheat sheet when you need a talking point at your next watch party — before the 2026 regular-season opener between the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks on Sept. 9. Check it out below.
Arizona Cardinals — “Hey Ya!” by OutKast
The Cardinals are in denial, and the kids are suffering. Marvin Harrison Jr. has been miserable since arriving in Arizona. Trey McBride lashed out at Cardinals fans, or the lack thereof, and later retracted his criticism. We’ll see what happens with rookie sensation Jeremiyah Love, but he’s already hurt. In the daunting NFC West, Arizona will string its marriage of convenience with Jacoby Brissett along for one more season, and we’ll see what happens in the 2027 NFL Draft.
Atlanta Falcons — “In the End” by Linkin Park
The Falcons boast Bijan Robinson, Drake London, and Kyle Pitts Sr., an extremely talented group of offensive weapons. But with Michael Penix Jr. or Tua Tagovailoa at quarterback, it won’t matter in the end. It’s really sad to watch Penix Jr. and Tagovailoa’s bodies betray them. It also really stinks to consider Atlanta wasting another talented roster in the quarterback wilderness and missing the playoffs for a ninth straight season.
Baltimore Ravens — “Oh My God” by Adele
Reports and rumors suggested a rift between John Harbaugh and Lamar Jackson. They got a divorce, by way of the Ravens firing Harbaugh after 18 years in Baltimore. Jackson became the hottest quarterback on the market, and Jesse Minter couldn’t believe his luck that he gets to coach Jackson next. Maybe the safer bet was to stick with Harbaugh, but Jackson and the Ravens gave in to the temptation and risked it all out of an all-consuming desire to win the Super Bowl.
Buffalo Bills — “EYE CANDY” by Justin Bieber
Josh Allen passes the eye test with flying colors. He hypnotizes with his flashy, freakishly athletic plays, but he has failed to cure Buffalo of chronic playoff heartbreak. Even so, every offseason, Allen is anointed the NFL’s best quarterback, if not the best quarterback to ever live and breathe. NFL media cannot resist Allen. Will this be the year the results match the reverence?
Carolina Panthers — “What’s Love Got to Do With It” by Tina Turner
By all accounts, Bryce Young is a lovely guy. Everyone who knows him loves and raves about him. The 2023 No. 1 overall pick is coming off his best year as an NFL quarterback — having Tetairoa McMillan at his disposal definitely helped — but didn’t exactly light the league on fire. The Panthers picked up Young’s fifth-year option, alleviating short-term pressure and signaling confidence in Young. Even still, Young is in prove-it mode this year. If Carolina is going to continue an upward trajectory, it’ll come down to Young’s production — not how much the Panthers would love for him to be the guy.
Chicago Bears — “bad guy” by Billie Eilish
Bears head coach Ben Johnson yearns to humiliate his opponents, and he shouted it to the whole world through this piece by Dan Pompei. He put the NFL on notice that he has no problem with being the bad guy. Tough guy. Just-can’t-get-enough guy. Chest-always-so-puffed guy. Johnson’s first season as head coach injected Chicago with euphoria last year. Johnson, long touted as an offensive mastermind, led the Bears to the NFC North for the first time since 2018, and quarterback Caleb Williams emerged as a clutch sicko. The NFC North may be the toughest division in football, but if Chicago can reign supreme, Johnson will fully arrive as the league’s antagonist extraordinaire.
Cincinnati Bengals — “Hit the Wall” by Gracie Abrams
Joe Burrow has hit a wall on his patience with the Bengals. Last week, the star quarterback told reporters, “I’m tired of saying, ‘Next year, next year, next year.’ This is it.” Last December, Burrow made headlines for opening up more existentially about needing football to remain fun in order to keep putting himself through it. Some wondered whether Burrow may pull an Andrew Luck and retire young. That doesn’t seem to be the case. But it seems Burrow may have issued the Bengals an ultimatum of sorts: Win with me this year, or watch me go somewhere else to win.
Cleveland Browns — “Hit the Road Jack” by Ray Charles
Why is Deshaun Watson still in a Browns uniform? What are we doing? That’s all.
Dallas Cowboys — “B*tch, Don’t Kill My Vibe” by Kendrick Lamar
Believe it or not, the Cowboys’ offseason didn’t double as a soap opera this year. George Pickens willingly signed his franchise tag, locking in the Pickens-CeeDee Lamb duo — maybe the league’s deadliest receiving duo — for at least one more year. Dallas had safety Caleb Downs fall into their laps in the draft. Head coach Brian Schottenheimer and quarterback Dak Prescott have been super vocal about winning the Super Bowl this season. We’ve been here for the past 30 years: the Cowboys look dangerous and flop, somehow, some way. Usually, the vibe in killed in Dallas as soon as the real games start. But this year, on paper, the Cowboys should have a top-flight offense and improved defense. Dare I fall into the trap?
Denver Broncos — “Karma” by Taylor Swift
Last season, Denver went 14-3, earned the AFC’s No. 1 seed, and was arguably one broken Bo Nix ankle away from reaching the Super Bowl. But the Broncos aren’t a heavy favorite entering this season. The cloud looming over Mile High is whether the Broncos are really that good or got extremely lucky to the tune of an unprecedented 12 comeback victories? If Denver crashes back to earth, rivals will cackle about karma. If the Broncos are right back in the thick of things, they’ll smugly smile about karma.
Detroit Lions — “At Least I’m Hot” by Reneé Rapp
Detroit stumbled to a 9-8 record and missed the playoffs last season. The Lions still have Jared Goff, one of the more consistent and efficient quarterbacks, though the offensive line morphed from strength to question mark. Jahmyr Gibbs is still the most electric player. Amon-Ra St. Brown is an underrated receiver, and Jameson Williams or Isaac TeSlaa is always good for a splash play. Aidan Hutchinson is still a defensive menace. With the Bears on the rise — and the NFC as a whole suddenly becoming the deeper, more superior conference — it’s possible Detroit’s Super Bowl window with Goff & Co. closed before it truly began. But even if the Lions don’t terrorize the league like before, at least the offense will be immensely entertaining. Plus, head coach Dan Campbell will always be wildly quotable.
Green Bay Packers — “maggots for brains” by Olivia Rodrigo
This probably seems like I’m saying the Green Bay Packers have maggots for brains. Firstly, I’m not that cruel. Secondly, and more importantly, the song isn’t actually about that. It’s about Olivia Rodrigo missing someone so much that she can’t function. And I suspect All-Pro pass rusher Micah Parsons’ absence, at least through the first part of the season, will have the same effect on the Packers. Green Bay went 0-5 after Parsons tore his ACL last December, and though Parsons plays defense, the pressure is on quarterback Jordan Love to play out of his mind to keep Green Bay above water until Parsons returns.
Houston Texans — “Don’t Let Me Down” by The Chainsmokers feat. Daya
The Texans defense is nasty and has a case as the best unit in all of football. That defense may be great enough to drag the Texans to the Super Bowl, but Houston would be a more popular Super Bowl pick if quarterback C.J. Stroud didn’t have such a woeful game the last time we saw him. Stroud threw four interceptions against the New England Patriots in the AFC divisional round last season, and the Texans still only lost by 12 points. After a stellar rookie season in 2023, Stroud has looked less and less like a sure bet, making this season his most pivotal yet. If Houston doesn’t make a deep playoff run, it’ll almost assuredly be because Stroud and the offense let the defense down.
Indianapolis Colts — “Oops!… I Did It Again” by Britney Spears
The Colts committed big bucks to quarterback Daniel Jones and wide receiver Alec Pierce. Jones, who endured several injuries with the New York Giants to start his NFL career, tore his Achilles last December. There’s a cloud of ambiguity around Pierce’s status after undergoing offseason ankle surgery. Not great! Jones looks great post-Achilles, but his injury history is cause for concern moving forward. The Colts screamed out of the gates to an 8-2 start last season, prompting a hasty and expensive acquisition of Sauce Gardner at the trade deadline. That 8-2 start felt like a fever dream by the time the Colts finished 8-9, and Indianapolis is playing a dangerous game with fans’ hearts in 2026.
Jacksonville Jaguars — “Working Class Hero” by John Lennon
Last month, Jaguars head coach Liam Coen openly admitted to using his team’s underdog status to his advantage. “You don’t have to make up telling your players stuff,” he said, adding, “I just go and pull out my phone, look at the NFL Network website, and just pop up here. Just curious if I see photos or anything about the Jacksonville Jaguars.” Heroes in Duval County, the nation ignored the Jaguars, despite a 14-3 record last season. In Coen’s second year, Jacksonville figures to challenge the Houston Texans for the AFC South crown again.
Kansas City Chiefs — “Man I Need” by Olivia Dean
Patrick Mahomes has won three Super Bowls, three Super Bowl MVP awards, and two NFL MVP awards. But he has never shared a backfield with a 1,000-yard rusher. This offseason, Kansas City moved to change that by signing former Seattle Seahawks running back Kenneth Walker III, fresh off winning Super Bowl MVP. The Chiefs desperately need Walker to be the man to make Mahomes’ life easier and rejuvenate a once-feared offense.
Las Vegas Raiders — “Naive” by The Kooks
Quarterback Fernando Mendoza, the 2026 No. 1 overall pick, metaphorically attended the Kirk Cousins School of Wholesome. Now, he’s literally under Cousins’ tutelage in Las Vegas, and the Raiders need Mendoza to turn into a wolf in sheep’s clothing on the field. If all goes according to the Raiders’ plan, by the end of this season or next, Mendoza will leave the rest of the NFL wondering, “How could this be done by such a smiling sweetheart?”
Los Angeles Chargers — “Tyler Durden” by Madison Beer
Tyler Durden was not a real person in Fight Club, much like the Los Angeles Chargers’ offseason hype train is never based in reality. Quarterback Justin Herbert is an analyst-film nerd’s fantasy, but he also traditionally saves his worst for last. He’s 0-3 in the playoffs. If the Chargers either fail to make the playoffs or lose as soon as they get there, even Herbert’s staunchest supporters may begin to wonder whether he’s their Tyler Durden.
Los Angeles Rams — “Space Jam” by Quad City DJ’s
By adding Myles Garrett and Trent McDuffie (and Aaron Donald?) to an already-stacked roster, the Rams mutated into the NFL’s Monstars. Now, the Monstars lost in Space Jam. Talent doesn’t guarantee anything in the NFL. Can reigning NFL MVP quarterback Matthew Stafford stay healthy? Davante Adams? What’s up with Puka Nacua? The predominant intrigue with the Rams is whether the Monstars will come out on top this time.
Miami Dolphins — “I’m Just A Kid” by Simple Plan
The Dolphins are the NFL’s youngest team based on average roster age. Miami tore it all down by saying goodbye to the likes of Mike McDaniel, Tua Tagovailoa, Tyreek Hill, Jaylen Waddle, and Bradley Chubb. Quarterback Malik Willis could prove to be a diamond in the rough, and it likely won’t change these Dolphins’ fate. The goal is a full-scale rebuild with eyes toward the future, and it won’t be any fun for the sacrificial lambs on this year’s roster.
Minnesota Vikings — “Little Red Corvette” by Prince
When it comes to Vikings quarterbacks, head coach Kevin O’Connell loves ’em and leaves ’em fast. Kirk Cousins, Sam Darnold, and now, J.J. McCarthy. Minnesota signed Kyler Murray, Arizona’s No. 1 overall pick in 2019, to a one-year contract in March and officially made him QB1 on Aug. 11. Outside of quarterback, the Vikings have the coaching staff and roster to compete now. Murray is expected to provide the steady hand that allows for winning, like Darnold did when Minnesota went 14-3 in 2024. The jury’s out on whether Murray can deliver, but all-world receiver Justin Jefferson, who has had 10 different quarterbacks, is desperate for a sustainable connection.
New England Patriots — “Caught Out There” by Kelis
We all saw those photos and videos of Patriots head coach Mike Vrabel, the reigning NFL Coach of the Year, with NFL insider Dianna Russini, who has since resigned from The Athletic and disappeared from the public eye. Their alleged affair sparked a media firestorm in March and April, but public interest all but died off this summer. New England shocked everyone last season by going 14-3 and reaching the Super Bowl. Third-year quarterback Drake Maye looks every bit a perennial top-five quarterback in the making. But the Patriots’ 2026 schedule is in a different stratosphere of difficulty, and if they get off to a rocky start, you better believe Vrabel’s extracurricular activity will rear its ugly head again.
New Orleans Saints — “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande
Hall of Fame quarterback Drew Brees retired following the 2020 season, and New Orleans has been stuck in quarterback and salary cap hell ever since. Jordyn Tyson, whom the Saints selected eighth overall in April, possibly missing months with a hamstring injury could dampen quarterback Tyler Shough’s development. But Shough still has prolific receiver Chris Olave, and New Orleans added running back Travis Etienne Jr. If Shough takes a leap in Year 2, Saints fans can let go of any and all resentment because it led them to the one.
New York Giants — “Bad Reputation” by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
Giants quarterback Jaxson Dart doesn’t care about his reputation for playing recklessly. He doesn’t understand why he has to go to the blue medical tent after a brutal hit. According to running back Cam Skattebo, he and Dart will “run through someone’s face” and anything less than the ultimate physicality is “not an option for us.” With John Harbaugh now at head coach, the Giants theoretically raised their floor. But the Giants’ ceiling depends on Dart’s availability and health, so he may be forced to care about avoiding contact.
New York Jets — “Thnks fr the Mmrs” by Fall Out Boy
The Jets reunited with quarterback Geno Smith a decade after moving on from their 2013 second-round pick. The memories from Smith’s first stint in New York aren’t great, and we have little reason to believe the second go-round will be better.
Philadelphia Eagles — “Irreplaceable” by Beyoncé
A.J. Brown believes he’s irreplaceable, as any great player should, and that Philadelphia will feel his absence after trading him to the New England Patriots. The Eagles, meanwhile, believe they have an in-house replacement in DeVonta Smith, and their organizational excellence can withstand any breakup. Whoever is singing from Beyoncé’s perspective by the end of the season, Brown or quarterback Jalen Hurts, depends entirely on the next few months.
Pittsburgh Steelers — “In Too Deep” by Sum 41
Four-time NFL MVP quarterback Aaron Rodgers, 42, confirmed the 2026 season will be his final NFL season. It’s a good thing he explicitly said. I’m convinced the Steelers would remain at Rodgers’ whims and continue to sign him into his 60s, if he’d let them. Pittsburgh and Rodgers both know last season wasn’t good enough, but they repeated the cycle anyway. This time, the Steelers won’t have the benefit of Mike Tomlin, who stepped down after 19 years as head coach. Tomlin never had a losing season in Pittsburgh, and Steelers brass is perfectly content with 9-8 seasons in perpetuity. They’re trying too hard to keep their heads above water, when tanking and starting over would be the best thing for the franchise in the long run.
P.S. Let the record show how difficult it was to resist assigning Laufey’s “Mr. Eclectic” to Rodgers. But I put what was best for team ahead of my selfish desire. See how easy that can be, Pittsburgh?
San Francisco 49ers — “Give Me Novacaine” by Green Day
No matter the month or the year, the 49ers’ injury report stays populated. According to FTN Fantasy’s Aaron Schatz, San Francisco suffered the fifth-most adjusted games lost to injury in 2025, and the 49ers own two of the highest average games lost seasons since 2001. Any analysis about any 49ers’ season necessitates a fat injury asterisk. This year is no different.
Seattle Seahawks — “Just Fine” by Mary J. Blige
Hey guys, does anybody care that the Seahawks won the Super Bowl in February? And ran it back with most of the stars that fueled such a fantastic 2025? With head coach Mike Macdonald, a 39-year-old genius who put the clamps on McVay and Shanahan offenses, in charge? Sure, offensive coordinator Klint Kubiak left to become head coach of the Raiders. That could prove to be a huge loss. Even so, the Seahawks shouldn’t be flying this far under the radar in favor of hyping up teams that have accomplished precisely nothing of late. Regardless, the Seahawks can look in the mirror and feel just fine.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers — “Worst Behavior” by Drake
The Buccaneers didn’t meet quarterback Baker Mayfield’s wishes on a contract extension this offseason, leaving him feeling “disrespected.” Mayfield gave the Bucs a firm deadline, so once training camp started, anything contract-related evaporated in favor of an “all ball” mentality. But I’m expecting (and looking forward to) some pettiness to bleed into the season. Historically, Spicy Baker is the best Baker, so let it rip.
Tennessee Titans — “Umbrella” by Rihanna
Quarterback Cam Ward, the 2025 No. 1 overall pick, has had a rough preseason. He showed flashes as a rookie, but he didn’t exactly take the league by storm. The Titans’ hope is that new offensive coordinator Brian Daboll takes Ward under his wing and develops him as successfully as he developed Josh Allen in Buffalo — blossoming an inseparable bond. If not, a hailstorm of bust allegations will rain down in Tennessee.
Washington Commanders — “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette
In 2024, rookie quarterback Jayden Daniels dazzled and led the Commanders to their first NFC Championship Game appearance since 1991. Since then, the Commanders can’t catch a break. It’s probably generous to characterize Washington’s horrendous injury luck as misfortune or happenstance, given it is the oldest roster in the league yet again. But it is cruel irony that, after an injury-riddled 2025, Daniels returns to peak health and promptly loses left tackle Laremy Tunsil (torn triceps) indefinitely. Football. A ruthless game of chance.