**Ivory Tower: Exclusive access to the UK and US trade negotiations WhatsApp group**
**CabinetOffice1:** Following last week’s meeting in the White House between President Trump and the PM, we have been tasked with beginning discussions on a UK-US trade deal based around artificial intelligence and innovative technology. You have been added to this group as a nominated expert from your government.
**PastorPaulaWhite-Cain:** I think we should begin with a prayer.
**VallanceScience:** God help us.
**PastorPaulaWhite-Cain:** Amen.
**KyleSoS:** I think in these negotiations we haven’t got a prayer.
**ElonX:** Just like Ukraine.
**VallanceScience:** Can I clarify things? I thought the prime minister spoke of an economic package rather than a trade deal.
**BezosAmazon:** The most economic packages come from Amazon. But I think you’ve got that already. It replaced something you called “the High Street”.
**JDVance:** And have they ever said thank you? Not once!
**CabinetOffice1:** Yes, the prime minister has spoken of “further integration of our two countries’ tech sectors”. For example, the tech and science expertise within the London-Oxford-Cambridge triangle could become a booming AI-driven Silicon Valley.
**VallanceScience:** You do know that Luton is in the middle of that triangle.
**ElonX:** It must have great transport links.
**ChiefScientificAdviserDsit:** The X5 bus runs between Oxford and Cambridge.
**ElonX:** Cool name, how long does it take?
**ChiefScientificAdviserDsit:** Four-and-a-half hours.
**JDVance:** Who runs it? Fred Flintstone?
**ChiefScientificAdviserDsit:** Stagecoach.
**ElonX:** If you are still using horses, no wonder it takes so long. I knew the UK was a third-world hellhole, but this is ridiculous.
**KyleSoS:** I won’t have one of our ancient university cities described as a third-world hellhole. Oxford is number one in the global league tables.
**VallanceScience:** But about Cambridge it’s a fair comment.
**CabinetOffice1:** Perhaps it would be helpful if we heard from the American side what their priorities are during these discussions. Who would like to begin?
**ElonX:** Free speech.
**BezosAmazon:** Making money.
**JDVance:** Greenland.
**PastorPaulaWhite-Cain:** The rapture.
**CabinetOffice1:** Interesting, I’m not sure any of that is related to this economic package.
**ElonX:** Who put you in charge?
**CabinetOffice1:** Err…the prime minister.
**JDVance:** You come in here disrespecting us, asking us what our priorities are?
**ElonX:** Why are we even on WhatsApp? That’s so lame. We could do all this on X, if you subscribe for premium, with prices starting a $3 per month or $32 per year.
**JDVance:** Who even owns WhatsApp anyway? I thought we were all to use Telegram, like we do with the Russians.
**ZuckerbergMeta:** I am on here you know.
**ElonX:** Is that the Ukraine guy?
**BezosAmazon:** No, that’s Zelensky. This is that wiener Mark Zuckerberg who owns the app for angry pensioners.
**ZuckerbergMeta:** It’s not just angry pensioners on Facebook.
**VallanceScience:** Yes, there’s bigots and racists too.
**PastorPaulaWhite-Cain:** Hallelujah!
**KyleSoS:** I don’t think this is getting us very far. Going back to your list of priorities, our government is bringing free speech back to universities.
**JDVance:** It’s just one big woke madrasa.
**KyleSoS****:** That’s an unfair characterisation of our higher education sector.
**JDVance:** I was talking about your government.
**ElonX:** I thought you meant the Royal Society.
**VallanceScience:** That would also be fair enough.
**CabinetOffice1:** Now we’ve made a start. Maybe we could hear from the UK side about what their priorities are in these discussions.
**ChiefScientificAdviserDsit:** More frequent buses between Oxford and Cambridge.
**KyleSoS:** Not to be bullied on social media.
**VallanceScience:** Getting out with my reputation and integrity intact.
**CabinetOffice1:** Well, two out of three might be possible.
**ZuckerbergMeta:** What is it with the bus thing? Why can’t you just build a high-speed rail link between your sites of productivity.
**ChiefScientificAdviserDsit:** The bat tunnel.
**BezosAmazon:** Wow, now you have my attention.
**ElonX:** Does he have an electric vehicle?
**ChiefScientificAdviserDsit:** Who?
**ElonX:** English Batman, does he, like, have an electric bat mobile?
**VallanceScience:** If he did, he would never be able to charge it on the A34.
**ChiefScientificAdviserDsit****:** I think there’s been a misunderstanding.
**ElonX:** Maybe English Batman needs a cyber truck.
**KyleSoS:** It’s actually illegal to drive a cyber truck on roads in the UK.
**ElonX:** There you go, that’s what I mean about this authoritarian government. Starmer should be in prison. Andrew Tate should be king. My dad should own Liverpool.
**ChiefScientificAdviserDsit:** It’s just because the cyber truck does not meet the UK’s safety and regulatory standards.
**ElonX:** Yet if you are an illegal immigrant you can drive across the Channel and join the Royal Society and have tea with the Archbishop of Canterbury.
**ChiefScientificAdviserDsit:** It’s to do with European crash regulations.
**ElonX:** We’re going to come over there and take a chainsaw to your DVLA, and then we are going to sack everyone in Swansea and buy up the whole of Wales, which doesn’t even have a freeway, never mind a bus.
**BezosAmazon:** Enough about your dufus trucks Elon, they suck. Tell me more about the bat tunnel.
**JDVance:** Don’t disrespect Elon, Bezos. He’s got an important job to do.
**BezosAmazon:** Yours?
**TrumpPOTUS:** Alright boys, settle down, the president is here now, head honcho, numero uno, the big cheese, the top enchilada, the one chilidog too many.
**CabinetOffice1:** We were not expecting you at this stage of negotiations, Mr President.
**TrumpPOTUS:** You need science experts, that’s me. No one knows more about science than I do, all the top scientists say that: Einstein, Newton, Oppenheimer, Barbie. I invented string cheese. No one had ever done it before, but Squirty Trump was a big hit, worldwide, even in Canada, our new 51st state.
**CabinetOffice1:** We will need to discuss that with King Charles, who is also the head of state of Canada.
**TrumpPOTUS:** I’ve got a date with Charles, and we’ll do a deal. I’m coming over there for a second state visit. It’s never been done before. Xi Jinping has just had the one. Even Putin, great guy, has only had one. The deal is straightforward, you don’t have any cards, we have all the cards. I’ve got two jacks, I’ve got Uno, I’ve got Mr Bun the Baker. We are going to come over there and take your science: all your Charles Darwins and your Alan Turings and your David Beckhams. We are going to make test tubes great again. You won’t have a golden triangle, it will be a goldener triangle, more like a golden square, or even a pentagon. We’ll make all the unicorns dance in the golden pentagon. We’ll make Big Ben bigger Ben, enormous Ben, Mega Ben. It’s going to be so beautiful. We’ll do a crypto sale to pay for it all. We’ll call it Brit Coin. Bezos can send his drones to Buckingham Palace. And Zuckerberg can buy a scone or some lame thing he likes. I’ll even bring the special key in the Oval Office to wind up your nuclear submarines again. We’ll turn Birmingham into a rare earth metal mine and Scotland into one giant golf course. Outside of the improvement, you’ll never notice the difference.
**KyleSoS:** And if that happens, will you promise not to impose tariffs?
**TrumpPOTUS:** If we own everything, we won’t need tariffs. It would be like tariffing ourselves. Who does that? Do we have a deal?
**VallanceScience:** But what about the bat tunnel?
**TrumpPOTUS:** Sounds great. Elon can park his cyber truck there.
**ZuckerbergMeta:** No, I want it.
**BezosAmazon****:** No, I wanted it first.
**JDVance:** Elon always gets everything.
**ElonX:** I want it and a taxpayer subsidy for its upkeep.
**PastorPaulaWhite-Cain:** May the good Lord rain down his angels against these bats of Satan.
**TrumpPOTUS:** OK, we can talk about this later, daddy is busy.
_TrumpPOTUS has left the group._
_ElonX has left the group._
_BezosAmazon has left the group._
_ZuckerbergMeta has left the group._
_JDVance has left the group._
_PastorPaulaWhite-Cain has left the group._
**VallanceScience:** Well, that went better than expected.
**KyleSoS:** Who’s going to tell Keir?
_VallanceScience has left the group._
_ChiefScientificAdviserDsit has left the group._
_CabinetOffice1 has left the group_.
**KyleSoS:** Guys? Not again.
_KyleSoS has left the group._
_Terms of use: this is a free email for fun on a Friday. It should be shared with friends like the bill for rearming Europe. Want to book a seat on the X5 Oxbridge Express? Want to say hello? Email_ _ivorytower@researchresearch.com_