Tottenham Hotspur drew Bournemouth 2-2 on Sunday in a match that frustrated as much as it gratified. On the one hand we got actual minutes out of Dominic Solanke, Cristian Romero, and Micky van de Ven, and that felt significant. On the other hand, almost everyone on the team (including the aforementioned three) played pretty bad! The general consensus is that Spurs stole a point on Sunday, and honestly I think that’s fine considering we’ve had a string of results earlier in the season where Spurs probably SHOULD’VE stolen at least a point and instead came away with none.
The thing about injuries is that it takes time for players to regain form and fitness, so while Spurs now have more bodies available after their injury crisis, they’re not at all back to 100%, which makes evaluation a touch difficult. That said, I think we can say that so-and-so played well or did not play well without having to get too far into the weeds of what it all MEANS.
For today’s theme I’m going to a Bluesky meme that was posted about a year ago and that made me giggle. Some Bluesky person came up with a guide to animal “yeetability,” i.e. how to carefully relocate (not harm) various creatures. Most of them on the chart are of the insect variety, and the score is based on a number of factors — Urgency (whether or not the insect can thrive indoors vs. outdoors), Ease of Capture (how hard it is to snag the little buggers) and Survivability (how hardy they are and how easily they can be hurt or potentially killed when yeeted, which then impacts how forcefully one can yeet).
There are no value judgements here — I’m simply pulling insects from the chart in order of suitable yeetability and how much they made me smile. I especially liked the crab holding a knife — a good touch and if you DO have a Knife Crab infestation in your home, you might need to call in the professionals.
Absolutely nobody asked for this but I reformatted my animal yeetability thread into printable poster & zine files. Introducing, the "Pocket Guide to Responsible & Sustainable Animal YEETING" featuring a revamped rating system. Download links below.
— franz (@franzanth.bsky.social) 2024-02-29T20:17:54.674Z
5 stars: Beetles
These suckers are tanks. Yeet at your discretion, and may God have mercy on their souls.
No Tottenham players in this category.
4 stars: Shield/Stink bugs & Friends
Look, I hate these little bastards and they’re EVERYWHERE now over the past ten years or so. But that doesn’t mean I want them dead, especially since that’s when they start to smell horrific. The nice thing about yeeting these guys is that they’re practically indestructible so you can really go to town on them. Just yeet them into a yard or garden and not into a wall.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.0): Almost single-handedly saved Tottenham’s bacon on Sunday with some key stops. Maybe Kinsky makes those too, maybe he doesn’t — but I’m glad we had Vic in goal.
Djed Spence (Community — 4.0): The other Spurs player who acquitted himself well in this match. Got beat by Tavernier, but had a number of good defensive stops and was always looking to progress the ball when he had it.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.5): Wild that we started with two senior central midfielders and both of them were outshown by a skinny Swedish teenager. Lucas is really starting to blossom, and I’d like to see more of him at the 8 going forward.
3.5 stars: Worms
I actually dispute the yeetability rating of these guys — especially the Survivability rating of 0 — my experience with worms are that they are a lot hardier than they appear, and can be yeeted a fair distance without sustaining much damage, especially if yeeted in grass. Just don’t yeet onto a hard surface, worms are nice.
Pape Matar Sarr (Community — 3.5): Did he mean to do that? Who cares, it went in and it ruled.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 3.5): Added a good dose of pace and leadership when he came on, and also cooly slotted a truly ballsy penalty to level the score. Also hit the post. Pretty good game, even if he didn’t truly hit the high notes.
3 stars: Butterflies and Moths
Butterflies and moths get low marks for Ease of Capture (they fly! They’re hard unless they’re resting or you have a net!), but once you have them they’re pretty easy to yeet because they end up just flying away. That makes yeeting them a bit more fun because you get to watch them fly off.
Kevin Danso (Community — 3.0): I’m not sure why Ange persists on playing him on the left — he’s pretty clearly not as good there. But he was, on balance, fine.
Wilson Odobert (Community — 3.0): Perhaps no other Spurs player was hurt more by a lengthy injury as Wilson, as he would’ve massively benefitted from the extra playing time in the middle of the season. You can see his potential, but he was again wasteful with his end product. That’s fine — I think his ceiling is high, and he brings a dimension to the team that few other players have. But he needs minutes to work through his youth, minutes he didn’t get this season.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 2.5): Solanke’s influence was mitigated somewhat by Bournemouth’s robust press, which meant he didn’t get much service. Looked exhausted by the end, but he needed the minutes. I thought, on balance, he was pretty decent.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 2.5): IDK, Bournemouth are a tricky team to play against and I thought Ange set the team up fine. The players let him down this time.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 3.0): A little rusty, which is understandable, but he did have a couple of those mazy runs in possession that give me a thrill whenever he does them. I think Micky might be even more important to Ange’s tactics than Romero.
James Maddison (Community — 3.0): Played Son into the box to earn the penalty and also set up Sarr for another chance. Not his best game, but he did add a dose of creativity when we needed it.
2.5 stars: Caterpillars
Caterpillars are generally good creatures to have, but just not inside your home. The thing with yeeting caterpillars outside is that it’s generally a good idea to identify the caterpillar first so you don’t accidentally yeet them onto a plant that you don’t want it to eat, especially if you have a vegetable garden. Also they’re fragile, so yeet with care.
Pedro Porro (Community — 2.5): Whoof. A terrible giveaway from the back that set up Bournemouth’s first goal and looked completely out of sync with Brennan Johnson. Bad match. It happens.
Cristian Romero (Community — 2.0): Looked extremely rusty and had several bad passes early on, but hey — it was his first match minutes in months, I’m willing to cut him a bit of slack. He did improve as the match went on and got a good 60 minutes in his legs. But I won’t pretend it was a good performance.
2 stars: Mantises
If you’ve ever seen a mantis in the wild, they’re lovely creatures, if a little intimidating. They’re also total bros, eating bad insects. They have a fairly high yeetability ranking, but I’d suggest not yeeting them at all, but gently relocating them to a quiet spot in your back yard, then giving them a high five before leaving.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 2.5): Ugh. We got Bad Benny again for this one — wasteful with the ball, reckless at times in tackling, picked up a yellow.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 2.0): As bad as Lolo was, Yves was worse. Very mistake prone with several costly giveaways, and picked up a cheap yellow, too.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.0): You know what I’m going to say here so I’ll just reference it and not actually go through the effort to type it out... again.
1 star: Spiders (all)
Yeet them. Yeet them all. I don’t care how, I don’t care why. Just yeet every single one out of my sight immediately, thanks. And then burn the house down, it’s the only way to be sure.
No Tottenham players are as yeetable as spiders.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Destiny Udogie