That Atletico Madrid double-tap penalty fiasco last week made me angrier than Jurgen Klopp when he realises he's run out of radiator polish for his teeth.
The fact they had to slow the footage down to about three frames per fortnight, just to prove that the atoms on the edge of Julian Alvarez's left boot brushed the ball about a nanosecond before his right boot did, shows that VAR is more out of touch than Jude Bellingham running a seminar on humility in the workplace.
If something is as difficult to work out as why Jadon Sancho once cost Manchester United 73 million actual British pounds, then VAR has absolutely no business getting involved.
The joyless, clipboard-clutching boffins in charge have completely lost sight of why certain rules are put in place. They're not preventing injustice; they're just a bunch of dunderheaded Inspector Clouseaus searching for crimes that don't exist – like Liverpool fans do whenever they concede a goal.
Just like with Liz Truss, nobody voted for this useless mess. Yet here we are dealing with the fallout and sadly, unlike Liz, VAR has outlived the lettuce.
Julian Alvarez's penalty
Julian Alvarez's penalty was ruled out by VAR after a microscopic double-touch was detected
VAR is Liz Truss levels of unwanted
VAR is Liz Truss levels of unwanted (Image: Getty Images)
Load of phoneys
I had social media open during the Carabao Cup final and I couldn't believe how many Newcastle fans were glued to their phones.
You've waited 70 years for a trophy – but can't go five minutes without tweeting about how nervous you are? That's like getting a date with Margot Robbie and spending the whole night texting your mates about how fit she is instead of talking to her.
I get it, internet clout is like Nicolas Jackson at Chelsea – apparently really important, even though no one can quite explain how or why. But if you spent anything other than 90 minutes with your eyes bolted to that pitch, drinking it in, soaking up every second, then you're about as true a fan as the Glazers are of fixing leaky roofs.
Newcastle fans
Far too many Newcastle fans spent most of the Carabao Cup final on social media (Image: PA)
For the entire lives of most of those supporters, Newcastle's trophy cabinet has been as empty as Sir Jim Ratcliffe’s employee lunch budget. Yet some spent the afternoon crafting all-caps tweets and lining up reaction selfies.
Talk about your priorities being more screwed up than Liverpool's 'quadruple' hopes.
Liv it out
Speaking of Liverpool, I noticed some so-called fans launched a petition to relocate their impending title parade from Merseyside to London in what has to be the biggest case of anti-football buffoonery since the birth of the half-and-half scarf.
Granted, it got about as much traction as Harry Maguire turning on a wet pitch, but the fact it even exists sums up everything that's wrong with modern football – entitlement, soullessness, and about as in touch with tradition as a Glazer family press release.
Liverpool fans at Wembley
Liverpool fans launched a petition to get the club's title parade moved to London
Local, match-going fans shouldn't have a monopoly on access, but the second we let clubs forget who brought them to the dance the game will be more gone than Dele Alli's credibility as a footballer.
Supporting a club means you do the travelling. Not the other way around. Otherwise what's next? Premier League games in Texas? The FA Cup final in Riyadh? Manchester City actually managing to sell out a stadium for once? No thanks.