It’s a common experience to move out of your parents’ home and feel like you’ve made significant progress in healing your inner child, setting boundaries and handling conflicts maturely—only to revert to your childhood self the moment you’re back with them.
Suddenly, you’re storming off, shutting down or snapping back, despite being a fully grown adult. All that hard-earned emotional growth and maturity appears to vanish in an instant.
This phenomenon, known as “psychological regression,” is a common experience in parent-child dynamics. It occurs when unresolved emotional patterns from childhood resurface, pulling us back into feeling and acting like younger versions of ourselves.
Here are four key psychological reasons why this happens, especially during arguments with our parents.
1. You’re Held Back By Deeply Ingrained Emotional Patterns
Development, whether in childhood or adulthood, often happens in layers. Regression can act as a temporary breakdown, a necessary step before integrating new skills or perspectives.
In the context of moving back or visiting home, the “new skills” we’ve developed—like setting boundaries, resolving conflicts maturely or asserting independence—compete with the deeply ingrained emotional habits formed during childhood.
This internal struggle between old and new ways of responding can lead to a period of regression, where we temporarily fall back into childhood behaviors, such as shutting down or lashing out during arguments.
MORE FOR YOU
Google Chrome Attack Warning—Stop Using Your Passwords
‘Severance’ Season 2 Finale Recap And Review: In The Windmills Of Your Mind
NCAA March Madness: Less Than 1% Of Brackets Remain Perfect On First Day Of Tournament
A classic study on infantile regression published in the Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology offers a parallel as to why we regress to our childhood selves when we visit our parents after experiencing the larger world.
Just as infants experience temporary regression during major developmental shifts—like improved memory, speech or new motor skills—we, too, may revert to old emotional patterns when faced with the significant shift of returning to a familiar yet emotionally charged environment.
From childhood, we develop automatic emotional responses to our parents’ behaviors. If a parent was critical, controlling or dismissive, we might have reacted in predictable ways—whether through defiance, compliance or withdrawal. These patterns are deeply embedded in our psyche, and during conflicts, our brain defaults to familiar responses, even if they no longer serve us as adults.
2. You Struggle To Assert Your Autonomy Around Your Parents
No matter how independent we grow, our parents often remain symbolic figures of authority in our minds. When they offer unsolicited advice or express disapproval, it can trigger a subconscious power struggle and pull us back into old dynamics.
While parental guidance can be supportive, excessive control in adulthood can undermine confidence, problem-solving skills and the ability to navigate life’s challenges.
In contrast, a 2013 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that college students who strike a balance between independence and parental input have a good relationship with their parents. This is because they set clear boundaries, which helps maintain harmony. However, those who either completely reject or fully accept parental control tend to face more difficulties in their relationships and personal growth.
As adults, we may logically understand our autonomy, but our inner child still views our parents as authority figures, causing us to react in ways that mirror our younger selves. That said, it’s worth considering that parents’ intrusiveness often stems from a desire to connect or understand us better.
If they pressure you to conform simply because you live under their roof or otherwise rely on their support, it can help to gently remind them to treat you as the adult you are and to engage in conversations as they would with any other adult.
3. Your Unresolved Childhood Wounds Resurface
Arguments with parents can unearth old emotional wounds you’d rather not deal with.
Let’s say you’re back home for the holidays, and your mom makes a comment about your career choice, saying something like, “Are you sure you’re on the right path? Your cousin just got a promotion at her firm.”
Suddenly, you feel a surge of anger and defensiveness. Logically, you know her comment isn’t a big deal, but emotionally, it hits a nerve.
Deep down, it reminds you of all the times growing up when you felt like your achievements were never enough—like when you brought home a B+ and your dad asked why it wasn’t an A, or when you shared a dream and were met with skepticism instead of support.
Those unresolved feelings of not being heard or valued enough come rushing back. Instead of calmly explaining why you’re happy with your choices, you snap back or shut down, reacting with the same helplessness or defensiveness you felt as a child.
In that moment, it’s not just about the comment—it’s about all the times your inner child felt dismissed or unworthy. Until those old wounds are addressed, they’ll keep resurfacing, making it harder to respond as the confident, rational adult you’ve become.
4. You Still Crave Parental Approval
To many of us, our parents’ approval matters—whether it’s about our lifestyles, partners or career choices. When we perceive criticism, it can feel like a direct threat to our self-worth, triggering the same coping mechanisms we relied on as children—whether that’s becoming defensive, shutting down or over-explaining ourselves.
These reactions are often tied to early negative experiences with our parents, which can leave lasting scars, fuel self-criticism and make us more vulnerable to mental health struggles like anxiety and depression.
To break free from this cycle, start by recognizing that seeking parental approval is a natural response rooted in childhood dynamics. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or overly dependent—it simply reflects a deep-seated desire for connection and acceptance.
By asking yourself, “Why does their opinion matter so much to me?” you can begin to uncover the root of this need and take steps to address it more effectively. This self-awareness is the first step toward reclaiming your emotional independence and building a stronger sense of self-worth.
How To Overcome Patterns Of Regression
Arguments with parents can be frustrating, yet they often feel oddly familiar. Our brains are wired to find comfort in repetition, even when those patterns are unhealthy. Falling into familiar roles—whether it’s the rebellious child, the peacemaker or the people-pleaser—feels instinctive, making it difficult to break free from these ingrained dynamics.
Understanding why regression happens is the first step toward changing these patterns. Here’s how you can approach conflicts differently:
Pause and reflect before reacting. Ask yourself, Am I responding as my adult self or my younger self?
Communicate as an equal. Rather than falling into old parent-child roles, remember that you are an adult who gets to voice their opinion respectfully.
Set boundaries. Setting boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being and improve relationships in the long run, as leaving things unsaid often leads to resentment and relational strain.
Reframe their intent. Sometimes, what feels like criticism may actually be coming from a place of concern. While it doesn’t justify hurtful comments, it can help you empathize and respond mindfully, rather than react impulsively.
No matter what your childhood experiences with your parents were like, remind yourself: You’re not a child anymore. You’ve grown, and so has your relationship with them.
Start by noticing when and how you regress into old patterns. When you catch yourself reacting like your younger self, pause and take a step back. Remember, this is your first time navigating your relationship with your parents as an adult, and you’re learning as you go. The same goes for them—they’re adjusting to seeing and treating you as an adult, too.
Every small step you take toward breaking old patterns is progress. Be patient with yourself and with them. Change takes time, but with intention, patience and effort, you can build a relationship that reflects who you are now, not who you were in the past.
Do you keep having unproductive arguments with those around you? Take this science-backed test to see if your conflict resolution style requires improvement:Ineffective Arguing Inventory