Nobody enters a marriage expecting the worst for themselves. The hope is always to have a long, happy marriage—a “happily ever after.” In reality, however, “happily ever after” is never a chance encounter, nor can it be achieved alone.
A healthy marriage isn’t self-sustaining; it’s a reciprocal dynamic that requires intentional effort from both sides. If you want it, you and your spouse have to work for it together. And if you want to work together effectively, there are two things you need to accept first.
1. You Can’t Change Your Partner’s Needs
Say, for instance, your partner enjoys playing video games on Friday nights — a hobby you never really understood, and wish they’d let go of. So, every Friday, while they play a few rounds of online games with their friends, you sit and wonder why they ignore you in favor of a “childish” pastime.
While you may not enjoy gaming, they do. And while they could certainly be spending their Friday night doing something else, no one is inherently being harmed by their choice.
In fact, this choice ultimately makes them happy. You are the only one being “harmed” in this situation — and, put bluntly, this reaction is a choice. You too could be spending your Friday night doing something fun and lighthearted. If you choose instead to spend it wishing that they would change, that cross might solely be yours to bear.
The lesson here is that, in most marriages, one partner’s habits and coping mechanisms may be annoying or bothersome to the other, but ultimately harmless to them both in the long run. Just because you don’t like these habits, it doesn’t mean they need to be “fixed.” Trying to change your partner to check an idealized box you have in your head will only make them resentful of you.
MORE FOR YOU
Google Confirms Gmail Upgrade—3 Billion Users Must Now Decide
FBI Warning As iPhone, Android Users ‘Bombarded’ By Chinese Attack
Ukraine Had A Bunch Of Old Soviet Dogfighting Missiles Lying Around; Now It’s Firing Them From Every Available Launcher
Of course, this isn’t the case if these habits are overtly obnoxious or unhealthy. But having the odd need or preference that doesn’t align with your own isn’t a problem—this is healthy.
The occasional “boys’” or “girls’ night,” engaging in solo hobbies or simply enjoying their alone time just means that they’re looking after their own well-being. These are habits that can be maintained at the same time as a relationship. In fact, they can even contribute to the well-being of the marriage itself.
According to research from the Journal of Marriage and Family, the prevailing notion that permanent companionship is the key to a happy marriage isn’t necessarily universal. Instead, the study suggests that individual leisure also plays a very important role in marital satisfaction. In other words, spending time doing things you enjoy alone as well as things you both enjoy can together result in a happier marriage.
So, instead of viewing your partner’s habits and hobbies dimly, you can take it as an opportunity for you to find your own source of self-care. While they play their games, what could you be doing to make yourself happy? Having a quiet glass of wine in the bath with a book, having dinner with friends or perhaps seeing a movie you’ve been wanting to watch that they have no interest in?
The choice is yours: finding your source of happiness for those few hours, or spending it feeling resentful. Ultimately, the key to a balanced marriage is letting go of the mindset that their individual happiness is a threat to yours. Embrace the reality that individuality within a marriage is not only normal, but healthy — and make the most of the time you have to nurture your own interests too.
2. Your Partner Isn’t A ‘Mind Reader’
Imagine that you’ve just pulled into the driveway after an impromptu grocery shopping haul. You’ve got more bags to carry inside than you can handle in one trip. You know your partner is inside, upstairs. You think to yourself, “Well, I’m sure they’ll come down to help me when they hear me come inside.”
You take in the first load of bags, but your partner doesn’t emerge — nor do they emerge after the second and third trips. You take this as a sign that they were uninterested in assisting you. But as you’re busy packing the groceries away, you hear them coming down the stairs.
At this point, you’re a bit irritated and flustered — as you’ve been left to sort this task out on your own. But after greeting you and seeing the immense number of groceries, your partner asks, “Why didn’t you tell me you’d been shopping? I would’ve come down to help.” Annoyed, you tell them that you figured they’d come help when they heard you arrive, and when they didn’t, you assumed that they just didn’t want to help.
Should the partner have helped in this situation? Certainly; no partner should have to shoulder the burden of household labor entirely on their own. However, the problem isn’t that they didn’t help — it’s that they didn’t know they were supposed to.
In a perfect world, partners would know exactly when, what and how we need help with certain tasks—without us having to tell them. But it’s not a perfect world. Your partner would have to be able to read your mind to know these exact details, and, unfortunately, mind-reading is still science-fiction.
In fact, research from Marriage and Families suggests this to be one of the most prominent dysfunctional beliefs about marital satisfaction — that is, that a spouse should be able to read the other’s mind. These “mind-reading beliefs,” as the researchers call them, are mythical; they assume a non-existent psychic connection between partners.
In reality, marriage teaches us that if you need something, you have to communicate it. While some solvable problems are clear to the naked eye — like a leaky faucet or an empty fridge — others are invisible. This is why communication is the essence and lifeblood of a functional marriage.
Your partner won’t help you carry groceries after a shopping trip that they were unaware of. They won’t take the kids out for the day if they’re unaware of the fact that you’re in desperate need of some alone time. In other words, your partner can’t be the hero you need them to be if they’re blind to the fact that you’re in need of a savior.
Expecting your partner to intuitively know your needs will only set you up for disappointment. A happy marriage requires consistent open communication and transparency—even when it feels vulnerable or nagging to say what you really need. If you know your partner wants a happy marriage just as much as you do, you have to trust that they’ll be there for you when you’re in need and asking for help.
Do you believe your spouse should be able to read your mind? Take this science-backed test, and find out if such “marital myths” are impacting your relationship:Belief In Marital Myths Scale