Calvin Barrett is a writer, editor, and prolific Mario Kart racer located in Provo, Utah. Currently writing for SB Nation and FanSided, he has covered theUtah Jazz and BYU athletics since 2024 and graduates from Utah Valley University in the Spring.
Thank you all for your attendance at this sobering event. I know that today’s reality is not one of great paletability, so your support in this trying time means more than you could ever know. Though its founder passed long ago, Dr. James Naismith’s great game of basketball has provided entertainment, joy, and excitement for people around the globe.
So it’s with a heavy heart that I announce the game’s official demise. Basketball is dead, and Stephen Curry killed it.
Oh, you don’t believe me? I can hear snickering in the back row. Okay then, skeptics, if basketball isn’t dead, then explain this!
(Tearing down the great curtain behind him, the eulogist revealed a massive movie screen. In stunning high definition, the sheet was illuminated with horrific images. Missed three after missed three, a rim was assaulted wth brick after brick.)
“Make it stop!” some screamed. “Think of the children!” pleaded others. “How could someone be so cruel? Who is responsible for this?”
(A gasp resounded through the chapel as the camera panned to a familiar face: Utah Jazz 7-footer, Walker Kessler.)
Yes, I could hardly bear this harsh reality myself. Walker Kessler shoots 3’s now. Things have been put in motion that cannot be undone. If you or a loved one is a basketball rim, you may be entitled to compensation — this is nothing short of abuse.
I’ve heard for years that Stephen Curry, the general of the three-point revolution, had killed basketball as we knew it and twisted it into some hideous carnival game. Gone are the days of back-to-the-basket post players. Gone are the days of the mid-range jumpers (don’t tell DeMar DeRozan, though, it would break his heart). This urge to chuck gives me the urge to upchuck.
Even Walker Kessler has been caught with the fever of late, shooting 27 long-balls over the past six games, and converting a paltry four heaves into points. For those crunching the numbers at home (mental math is hard), that’s 14.8%.
If you or a loved one is a basketball rim, you may be entitled to compensation — this is nothing short of abuse.
Here’s the worst part of this mad scientist’s experiment: his three-point shooting doesn’t look an ounce better than it did in his sophomore season. This experiment is going horribly wrong.
This may as well be a highlight film of the past five games.
This marks the death of basketball, the sanctity of the game, and my moral duty to defend it expired on the night Kessler launched a heinous eight attempts from beyond the arc.
Why could this have happened? An all-out attempt to lose basketball games? A fool’s belief that he could become a net-positive shooter from long distance? Is this heaven’s attempt to punish us for our crimes against the game?
A once beautiful beacon for bright future of Jazz hoops, Kessler has been designated as a cross-eyed shot-putter. If you wanted three-pointers, here are your three-pointers. Tremble in horror — this is your inescapable reality.
Keep your family at home, wear protective equipment whenever in the greater Salt Lake area, and please, for the love of the game, keep an eye on the skies!
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