It’s not uncommon to meet someone and fall head over heels, despite barely knowing them. You think it’s love. You float through the day, lost in fantasies of marriage, shared futures and endless laughter.
But when the euphoria fades, especially if things end badly, the aftermath can leave you reeling. This is the consequence of a phenomenon called limerence.
Limerence is all-consuming infatuation — obsessive thoughts, emotional dependency and a desperate need for reciprocation. It can turn love into both a euphoric high and an exhausting struggle. The deeper your attachment, the stronger the fear of losing them becomes — trapping you in a cycle of anxiety and desperation.
Here are two reasons why it happens and how to break free before it takes over.
1. Anxious Attachment
When your crush compliments you, you’re on cloud nine. The next day, they seem distant, and you feel crushed. In a healthy, loving relationship, your mood isn’t entirely dependent on a partner’s actions. But in limerence, their behavior dictates how you feel— one sweet message makes your day, and one ignored text ruins it the next.
This intense emotional state closely aligns with what is known as desperate love or “fusional” anxious attachment*.* According toresearch, this involves an overwhelming desire to merge with another person while feeling deeply insecure about the relationship. Those with this attachment style struggle with separation and may react with intense emotions like sadness, clinginess, anger or even aggression.
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If you’re anxiously attached, you likely crave deep connection but fear abandonment, perhaps turning every interaction into a test of your partner’s commitment. This constant vigilance makes you hyper-aware of subtle signs of rejection — delayed texts, tone shifts — fueling obsessive thoughts and emotional distress.
A 2011 study published in the Journal of Personality suggests that anxiously attached individuals experience intense psychological pain at the mere threat of abandonment. They obsess over rejection scenarios, swing between clinginess and hostility, and often feel trapped in cycles of negative emotions — all classic symptoms of limerence.
2. A Scarcity Mindset
For some, “What if I never find someone else?” is a common fear that strikes them when they’ve been single for a while.
Between the exhaustion of dating apps, societal expectations and the pervasive myth that quality partners are disappearing, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that your current relationship is your only opportunity for love.
A 2023 study published in Current Psychology suggests that feeling a lack of resources can lower confidence and self-control, making it harder to wait for better outcomes. This sense of scarcity can also impact your relationships. If your previous relationships ended poorly, you might desperately cling to a new connection, fearing it could be your last.
For those in minority communities, this anxiety is often compounded by the perception of a smaller dating pool. The pressure to act immediately — before a potential partner slips away — can distort your judgment and create an unhealthy sense of urgency.
When driven by fear rather than genuine connection, you risk mistaking obsession for love. The terror of being alone can make you fixate on someone, interpreting intensity as passion.
At the same time, the idealized fantasy of “The One” keeps you trapped. If you believe only a single person can fulfill you, every minor interaction feels monumental, and every setback feels catastrophic. This mindset sustains limerence, leaving you chasing an illusion rather than building real, lasting love.
Are You In Love Or Limerence?
To find out if you’re stuck in limerence, ask yourself:
Do I obsess over them to the point of neglecting my own life?
Does my mood swing drastically based on their attention?
Do I feel worthless without their validation?
Am I sacrificing my needs just to keep them close?
If these resonate, you’re likely choosing partners based on fear, rather than compatibility. However, there are ways to overcome this mindset, even when you’re terrified of letting go of someone.
Here’s how to start:
1. Reframe your fears. Write down your worst-case scenario. You might think “If we break up, I’ll be alone forever.” Now challenge it. Is that true, or is fear distorting reality? It’s also important to shift from a mindset of scarcity to abundance to fight your fears — remind yourself that you have plenty of opportunities to find love.
2. Reclaim your independence. Invest in yourself by reigniting old passions, building new skills and nurturing friendships. It’s also essential that you detach your worth from their approval — confidence must come from within, not from their validation.
3. Set boundaries. Catch yourself when you’re over-giving in relationships. Love shouldn’t require you to abandon your needs. At the same time, practice tolerating uncertainty when another person is involved, so that you can also be respectful of their boundaries. Healthy relationships thrive on trust, not control.
Limerence Is A Lesson
It’s easy to fall in love with the idea of someone when we barely know them. Truly getting to know a person takes time, and it’s not something that can be rushed through obsession in the early stages.
Real love flourishes with a sense of security and mutual respect. When you let go of the fear of losing someone you hardly know, you create space for a love that feels grounded, not desperate. That’s the kind of love worth holding onto.
Are you experiencing limerence or true joy and connection in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to learn more:Relationship Satisfaction Scale