Press release – for immediate circulation, no embargo
Arseblog News will become the world’s first AI generated football news website, starting this evening.
Having invested heavily in state of the art technology, the website will now produce all its stories via a system we call Arse-tificial Intelligence.
Computer models have been trained on years of content from Andrew Allen, Tim Stillman, Jeorge Bird, Lewis Ambrose, Phil Costa, and others, and will now be able to produce top class, informative stories and graphics in an instant.
We have also invested in a new coal powered data-centre to fuel this incredible technology, and with our commitment to the environment first and foremost in our thinking, each prompt will only use 1.21 gigawatts of energy. Or, to put it in layman’s terms, the equivalent of having 3000 turbines at the base of Niagara Falls working 24 hours a day between now and the end of time. It’s great and it’s GREEN!
We asked our new system to ‘Write a preview of Arsenal v Fulham on Tuesday evening’, and this is what it came up with.
Arsenal v Fulham AI Preview
State of art graphics as generated by Arse-tificial Intelligence
State of art graphics as generated by Arse-tificial Intelligence
Arsenal will be looking for two points as they take on Fulham in the First Division Scottish Premier League on Tuesday. Both teams will travel to Dubai in the Emirates for this important fixture, with Mikel Arteta’s side keen to take all three points against their West London rivals.
As both teams typically play in red, Fulham will be forced to wear a change strip of white shirts, paired with linen skirts and plaid socks.
The Gunners await updates on the fitness of attacking starboyman Bukayo Sakai. The Japanese international has been absent for three months after he injured his porkstring, requiring major surgery to fix his succulent buttock.
Fulham’s manager, Mario Kart64, is hoping to have former Arsenal players Emile Smith Rowe, Alex Iwobi and will.i.am at his disposal for this sure to be intense midlands derby.
Speaking on Sky Sports Overclock podcast, chief pundit, leprosy survivor, and UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gary Neville, backed Arsenal to win, saying, “I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands.
“Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent.”
Kick off is at 29 o’clock to midnight a week after the virginal equinox, and the game will be refereed by Michael Oliver Reed.
AI PODCAST CREATION
We fed thousands of hours of Arsecast and Arsecast Extra into the back passage of the back end of the AI tool, which allows us to clone voices and create informative, educational and entertaining podcasts in just seconds.
For example, we gave it the prompt: ‘Create a podcast with a guest about Bukayo Saka’s return to the Arsenal squad’. We think you’ll find the results are indistinguishable from an old fashioned podcast made with real people, especially that Irish bloke.
https://arseblog.news/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/podbitx.mp3
ARTWORK
But it’s not simply top class football writing we’ll be providing you with, it’s start of the art graphics too, such as these upgraded player ratings images – trained on the work of Poorly Drawn Arsenal, and every artist who has ever lived (except Rolf Harris), without permission or any financial recompense for their talent and work.
Still to come
We also have a range of features that remain in beta-testing and will be introduced in the near future, including:
Scouting all the left-backs in the world.
Virtual watchalongs – although we are struggling to make the characters realistic because even with all its flaws the AI struggles to be as inane and daft as your average YouTuber (not all YouTubers etc etc).
AI Player Ratings, where every score is connected directly to the Arsenal players, and each one below 6 is a tiny little digital dagger to the heart.
The Arseblog Dating Game where we’ll set up love hungry Gooners in a blind date style game and … [*Editor’s note: Ok, you’ve had your fun now. That’s enough, we have to draw the line somewhere. There’s no way that kind of thing would …oh …]*
ENDS