Manchester United scrapping their end-of-season awards is about as pathetic a move as Mason Mount's to Old Trafford.
It's the second-most empty, meaningless gesture the club have made this season – after repeatedly starting Rasmus Hojlund, of course. I get it, handing out a 'best player' award after circling the relegation zone all season feels cringe. Nathan Jones-levels of cringe.
But you can't just pretend a train-wreck never happened – *cough* Liz Truss tweeting about economic policy *cough* . If you're absolutely s***, you have to own it. Maybe even lean into it – like Andre Onana does every weekend.
United will spin this as some noble gesture to their fans, as if they've suddenly grown a conscience. Spare me! If they actually gave a toss about the punters, they'd have frozen ticket prices, re-hired the staff they laid off, and – wild idea – maybe tried to win back-to-back Premier League games.
This is just Jim Ratcliffe pouncing on another cost-cutting opportunity the way United's recruitment team pounce on £80million duds. Pathetic doesn't even cover it – they're a club as allergic to accountability as Bruno Fernandes is to playing without whinging at his team-mates.
Manchester United players applauding the fans
Manchester United have had a dismal season, but shouldn't be able to run away from it (Image: Getty Images)
Souled out stadium
Sponsored football stadium names can absolutely get in the bin. We've got to fight this endless Americanisation of football like Premier League refs fight the concept of consistency.
Because just when you think it couldn't get more ridiculous, Everton have gone and named their shiny new tin shed The Hill Dickinson Stadium. That's not a football ground – that's where you go to contest a will!
I mean, that monstrosity of mediocrity they've built looks so bland it makes David Moyes' toenail clippers seem interesting. So why they've slapped a name with Michael Owen–levels of dorkiness on it is genuinely beyond me.
A mocked up photo of the Hill Dickinson Stadium
Everton have named their new ground the Hill Dickinson Stadium - no, seriously
Who on earth sat in a meeting and thought: "You know what'll get the fans going? A mid-tier law firm!" It's like calling your dog Spreadsheet . Utter nonsense.
This is what happens when football gets sold off bit by plastic bit. What used to be stadiums with soul are now just branded boxes with less character than Arsenal in a title race.
Tragic of the cup
You know what I despise more than Liverpool fans despise homegrown legends having the audacity to leave Anfield before their legs turn to dust?
The FA Cup final not being the season finale.
We always bang on about teams taking the competition about as seriously as Marcus Rashford takes tracking back – then shrug when the final gets awkwardly crammed into the calendar like Chelsea cramming another £20m teenager no one's ever heard of into their squad.
Crystal Palace lifting the FA Cup
Crystal Palace's remarkable FA Cup triumph should have been the season closer
Crystal Palace just beat Manchester City at Wembley. Crystal bloody Palace! Their first ever major trophy. They should've spent the weekend in fantasy land, spanking shots left, right and centre, and falling over – you know, like Darwin Nunez does every matchday.
But oh no, there's a dead rubber against Wolves to prep for. *Party blower sound effect*. Once upon a time, the FA Cup final was unmissable – or, as Timo Werner would call it, a half chance. Now it's just another game in May.
The suits have turned what should be a sacred tradition into a logistical afterthought, and – just like when Rio Ferdinand's on commentary – we're all the worse for it.