Last Saturday was the final day of the German season and Sky showed all the games. It was ironic really, because all it did was show how enjoyable it is, even with the league won. And with a proper title race in Serie A, when it comes to the fun ruler, England is very much third or fourth or even lower.
The Chelsea v Manchester United was typical; the game wasn’t bad as such, it was just nothing. Football apparently played by men who’d never played football and weren’t about to start now. And this has been typical this season. You ache for Alan Smith to say ‘Christ, this is so boring’. But instead he just has a permanently disappointed timbre to his voice. Remember when these were fiercely competitive games? Gone. All gone. Hard to argue that there isn’t an inverse relationship between money and fun. It was nakedly obvious at Stamford Bridge.
I’d say they were just playing for the money, but they weren’t even playing. They just ran around on some grass. You wouldn’t have thought the tickets priced it as a premium contest – or even that they were actually charging at all. It seemed to be an exercise in ‘how much of this can they stand and still pay?’ Ruben Amorim wore the expression of a man with a severe case of buyer’s remorse, who actually feels stupid standing there, unable to make this amalgam of limbs play football worth the name. Imagine, you’re hailed as one of Europe’s most promising coaches and now here you are being repeatedly embarrassed in public by a bunch of overpaid, under-talented, sweating men, who only got to the Europa final by virtue of being the richest club.
This is the standard now. Neither community-based sport, fun kick-about, nor elite football. I think I actually hate them all, down to the rubbish tattoos in which Chelsea players seem to specialise. Far less interesting than any other professional level and some amateur too. Remarkable that they get away with it and so many are so uncritical.
Would the FA Cup final lift the spirits from the torpor induced at Stamford Bridge?
First there was time to watch some third-level German football between second-placed Dynamo Dresden and Unterhaching who are bottom. It was on YouTube and Dresden won 3-0 but it probably should have been six.
Wimbledon v Notts County in the second leg of the play-off semi-final was a vigorous contest, which the better side won in Wimbledon, who are managed by Johnny Jackson, who I remember playing for Spurs. Time moves on.
Celtic played St. Mirren in the season’s final game and they lifted the trophy. A club worth £124million took on one worth £6m. It was a draw. No-one cared much about it outside of the fanbase and they cared a lot and were not bothered about the situation at all. More different cultural trends prevail than you might imagine. It’s 40 years since neither Celtic or Rangers won the title; this was a sixth Celtic treble since 2016! The season is not a level playing field or anything near – though that is endemic more broadly in modern football – but it remains popular. If it wasn’t, the SFA might have done something about it, but if they were going to, they would have done so by now and they’ll pretend draws like this are a reason not to.
Will Tony Bloom’s involvement change anything for Hearts? Hopefully, or barely a duopoly will become, if it isn’t already, a one-team league and I can’t see how even Celtic would benefit from always easily winning the title by some margin.
An Aberdeen player was hit on the head by a chair and needed stitches, reported as ‘thrown by his own fans’ as if ‘thrown by Dundee fans’ would have been understandable.
For reasons I’ve never understood, the FA Cup final is simultaneously broadcast on BBC and ITV, a match-up that BBC always dominates. What is the point? Can anyone explain? Back in the days of three channels, both wanted to broadcast the significant national event that 20+ million watched from 9am and ITV still always came a distant second. But that’s not now. So why?
Football is a surprising lover, just when you’re disillusioned by her, she surprises you. It was a great cup final.
I watched the TV while listening to the radio with Sean Dyche one of the co-comms and he was excellent, giving a manager’s quick analysis in a cartoon bulldog’s voice. Very entertaining. At half-time on TV Wayne Rooney was also excellent and voluble. “Get rid of VAR,” he said passionately, after it got something obvious wrong that was easy to get right. Again. The Haaland copping out of the penalty discussion was good also with Alan Shearer who seemed especially stimulated by proceedings.
I must say, Ian Dennis and John Murray were superb and invested much into the enjoyment of the game, echoing the glory days of Peter Jones and Bryon Butler. We’re lucky to have them and really appreciate the efforts of both.
I kept expecting City to equalize with every attack, as I’m sure everyone did, fearing that they would go on to win, knowing as I do that in modern football, all too often the monied tend to prosper and romance is usually a thing of a past when the game wasn’t funded by autocratic, human rights abusing states and that fact couldn’t have even been imagined.
But sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you. Today, grizzly was on the menu and evil was conquered, at least one time. “Only God, man,” said Ebereche Eze, thanking the imaginary sky pixie. Presumably God was taking time off from overseeing bloody war, death and starvation to watch the cup final. Yeah, God won it for you, course he did. Uri Geller, more like. I bet the 85-year-old Dave Clark never thought he’d be heard at Wembley.
Then it was back to more relatable matters on Alba and Airdrieonians v Cove Rangers in the Scottish Championship play-off second leg with Gaelic commentary – and English from Stephen Craigen – which was pleasingly rugged and not an oppressive, murderous state in sight, though Airdrie on a Friday night can be fairly oppressive and murderous, albeit without many bonesaws. It ended 0-0 and Airdrie went through 2-1. What do you mean you didn’t watch it?
Everton played Southampton at noon in a lame game, the last at Goodison. It should have been 3pm on a Saturday, in tribute to past traditions, but TV calls the shots and it neither knows nor cares for tradition. What would Dixie Dean think of that, or indeed Peter Reid? I wanted to see them parade the man with the bolt cutters and bulbous face from the Just Stop Oil protest. David Squires’ cartoon was genuinely moving, TNT’s coverage less so on an emotional day, albeit less emotional because it’s not being knocked down and is still going to be used. Somehow the opposition being Southampton meant it felt an underwhelming end to the football.
As if to punish people who were already begging for merciful release, West Ham United played a heinous 1-2 with Nottingham Forest during which semi-automated VAR wasn’t working and it took over six minutes to award a goal. The impression that the motive was to find a reason to disallow it was inescapable. Moribund it may have been compared to Serie A’s title race, but that’s foreign so it doesn’t count. English exceptionalism means here’s Sky to tell us no, it’s actually great because of European places, something something yadda yadda. And doesn’t the race for seventh just grip you like salmonella?
Arsenal v Newcastle felt like a comedy club gig as everyone wondered what silly thing Mikel Arteta would say next to make us laugh. He looked very much like the sour prune to Eddie Howe’s fresh strawberry. Although they won, you’d never know from the manager. Cheer up, mate, it might never happen and I suppose that’s the problem after five seasons, one trophy and £714million spent.
Peter Drury came on, with a low-energy, mumbling Gary Neville saying Arsenal have to find the right people – you can’t buy that kind of insight. I muted in favour of John and Glenn Murray, naturally, and was pleased to hear a woman behind them swearing loudly at Partey and who hasn’t wanted to do that? It all ended with a pathetic VAR check that the PGMOL doesn’t seem to realise makes a mockery out of everything and everyone. Stop making it about you.
Finally after a long, sometimes tedious football day, we got the highlight of it all: Parma v Napoli while Inter, a point behind, played at home to Lazio. It could’ve all gone either way. Yeah, but what about the Premier League race for seventh? Wow, what a wild night it turned out to be with both coaches sent off, contentious decisions and VAR nonsense, ending with two draws and a title race alive until Napoli wrapped things up on Friday evening. Febrile. And thrillingly expressed by Adam and Nigel Spackman doing the comms, who has been an unexpected pleasure this season. Honestly, it’s like watching a different sport compared to the Premier League. A 150 watt bulb compared to a 40 watt.
The big we’re-all-laughing-at-you game was of course the Europa League Cup Final. In all my years I don’t remember a final or even a match between two largely disrespected teams, with both sides’ own fans embarrassed about it all. People have found the stupidity of the winner playing in the Champions League amusing and a bit pathetic. Kelly did a preview of the game on the radio on Tuesday. Peter Schmeichel sounded like he was having a breakdown about United. Andros Townsend had his head in a bucket, I think. Ange sounded resigned to his fate, mate. Amorim was brighter and was at least aware that his reputation was going down the tubes fast and there are already severe doubts about his ability to be effective at United.
My review of TNT’s five-hour honk-a-thon is here.
Finally on a sunny Thursday night we had Livingston v Ross County, the Premiership play-off first leg on Sky. Boydy was there of course, a fixture for anyone who watches Scottish football, tonight with Chris Sutton. Someone was knitting in the crowd. Haven’t seen that for years. As a kid, there were women who would knit anywhere, any time, in any circumstances, but that was 55 years ago. Funny to see it again. Old habits die hard in West Lothian. Of course Faddy is the co-comm, as he often is on the BBC, this time with Ian Crocker, a great servant to Scottish football, for what seems like years. It was 1-1 with a last-gasp penalty and overall a bit better quality than Wednesday night in Bilbao, only much cheaper in every way for fans and clubs. All to play for on Monday.