Newcastle and England forward Callum Wilson has candidly revealed that he considered attempting suicide as a child. The Premier League star also says seeking therapy last year helped him overcome dark thoughts.
Wilson opened up as part of Mental Health Awareness Week and hopes his story will help others battle their demons. Growing up as one of six children, he found his upbringing in Coventry difficult but found escapism in playing football. It is a poignant reminder that those at the very top of their field can sometimes experience turbulent mental health.
“I cried myself to sleep at night. I got to about 12, 13 - it was like suicidal moments,” Wilson told the High Performance Podcast.
"When I say I cried myself to sleep, I was just praying to God like 'take me out of this environment, I want to become a footballer'. I’ve walked alongside the train track and was building up the courage to jump basically in front of the train.
"I’ve tied cables around my bedroom rail and my PlayStation remote controller to see if it was strong enough to hold my weight. Football really was my saviour, it was my escape.”
Wilson credited Newcastle’s physio with noticing that he needed to seek therapy last year. The 33-year-old felt he was becoming more aggressive and opened up to the member of staff.
He said: “Once I started speaking, and revealed everything I've been through in life, she was like ‘Wow, how have you got to this point already without not seeing a therapist?’. I speak to my wife about it, but I didn't want to blur the lines with our relationship.
"She's not my therapist, she's my wife and the mother of my children, so I didn't want to burden her with problems. You can speak to a therapist and it does feel a sense of relief afterwards.
“It's an investment in yourself and more than worth it. I'm probably learning a lot about myself now - little traits that I have that were obviously triggered by things as a kid. I'm really happy.”
Wilson says his upbringing involved ‘turmoil’ but he does not blame his mother, a single parent looking after his siblings. He continued: “It was my mum on her own, all my siblings in the house. We had a three bedroom council house. Food was sparing to come by. That, along with a bit of turmoil.
“I probably have a lot of aggression from that point, but football was a place that I could be aggressive in my position on the pitch and it would be ok. So it was like a release really.”
Wilson, who is out of contract this summer, has scored 88 goals in 239 Premier League appearances for Newcastle and Bournemouth.