Aston Villa are throwing a hissy fit about their controversial disallowed goal against Manchester United – and frankly, they can get absolutely stuffed.
In a statement dripping with arrogance and a stunning lack of self-awareness – the sort Jude Bellingham has seemingly trademarked – Villa lodged an official complaint about referee Thomas Bramall, insisting his 'gaffe' was "a major contributing factor" to the club missing out on Champions League football.
Err, what a load of Axel Disasi… sorry, I mean garbage. Emi Martinez gets sent off for absolutely clattering Rasmus Hojlund near the half-way line, and it's a marginal refereeing call that's got your knickers in a twist? Do me a favour, you entitled mugs. This is the same club, remember, that only just dodged relegation in 2020 because of a goal-line technology glitch that ignored Sheffield United's blatant winner against them.
Were they filing complaints and sobbing about fairness that day? Were they heck! Clubs who shriek about refereeing standards when decisions go against them, but stay silent when luck goes their way, have about as much integrity as Sepp Blatter hosting an ethics seminar. They warrant zero sympathy.
At the end of the day, Villa couldn't beat a relegation zone-circling United side when it mattered most. They deserve Champions League football like Unai Emery deserves an award for building the Arsenal team Mikel Arteta actually lifted a trophy with.
Referee Thomas Bramall shows a red card to Emiliano Martinez
Aston Villa goalkeeper Emi Martinez was sent off when the game was tied at 0-0 (Image: Getty Images)
Tott deserve squat
Fair play to Tottenham. They actually bloody won something. But they've got about as much business being in the Champions League as Ange Postecoglou has launching an OnlyFans account.
I'm not against the Europa League winners getting a Champions League spot per se, but if their domestic form is as dire as Timo Werner's shooting accuracy then there ought to be some sort of get-out clause – the kind Daniel Levy usually activates when he's quibbling over a tenner in a £50million deal.
How can a team who lost 22 league games this season have the word "champions" stitched on their shirts? That's even more backwards than the direction Richarlison's career has gone since joining Spurs.
Ange Postecoglou lifts the UEFA Europa League trophy during the Tottenham parade
Tottenham have snuck into next season's Champions League after winning the Europa League (Image: Getty Images)
I'm all for incentivising B-tier trophies, but football should be strictly merit-based – and the only thing Spurs have merited in the last 12 months is a national inquiry.
Besides, we don't need six friggin' Prem teams in the Champions League. There's such a thing as too much English in Europe. We're Benidorming elite football for goodness' sake.
I can Nott believe it
Nottingham Forest were the only vaguely interesting thing going in the Premier League this season – well, aside from Manchester United being a God-awful, Liz Truss-esque disaster, of course.
Levi Colwill celebrates after scoring Chelsea's winner vs Nottingham Forest
Nottingham Forest were beaten by Chelsea on the final day, denying them a place in next season's Champions League (Image: Getty Images)
Forest in the Champions League would have been glorious carnage. Chris Wood scoring a hattrick in the Bernabeu, Callum Hudson-Odoi trying to add Vinicius Jr on Instagram mid-match, Evangelos Marinakis chucking tubs of tzatziki at Nuno Espirito Santo after a 5-0 battering from PSG – hook it to my veins!
But they only went and blew it – harder than Bonnie Blue with a hundred lads in a single night – by losing to a Chelsea side flimsier than Andre Onana's wrists.
They should've got Champions League footy, but after collapsing more shamelessly than Bruno Fernandes does when a defender exhales near him, all I can do is point, laugh and wish them well on their one-way ticket back to irrelevance.