· 8 June 2025, 14:30
**Thomas Tuchel kept his 100% record as England manager on Saturday as the Three Lions beat the mighty Andorra 10-0.**
Sorry, that was a typo; it was 1-0. We had to wait for 50 minutes of football to see England score against Andorra, who have never scored a goal against England, ever.
When the goal came, it had England fans all around the country off their seats in awe ... wait, no, that's not true either. It was a one-yard tap-in by Harry Kane.
Newcastle United's Dan Burn started for England. He touched the ball a few times. Made a couple of poor passes. Conceded a free-kick after breakdancing, trying to shield the ball so it would run out of play, and then I genuinely forgot he was on the pitch at all.
Dan Burn lining up with his England teammates before the worst game of football ever
The game held my attention so little that I genuinely kept forgetting Dan Burn was playing
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After an hour, I couldn't take it any more and I turned the game off. I had heard that Anthony Gordon made an appearance, but I was thoroughly disengaged by that point.
I have watched some horrendous football over the last 12 months, but nothing ever seems to come close to watching 11 "world-class" Englishmen make the game of football look so damn difficult. Newcastle target Noni Madueke looked good-ish at least.
Honestly, I placed all the blame for England's turgid performances at the feet of Gareth Southgate, but I was wrong. There's just something ingrained into England's players that when they pull on that famous white shirt, they just forget how to play attractive, dynamic attacking football. Even if they're doing it week in and week out for their club.
Can we give Thomas Tuchel the benefit of the doubt?
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England, regardless of the heat, as that seemed to be the excuse du jour, should be hammering the likes of Andorra. No disrespect intended, but even the Andorrans will have been expecting a pasting.
I know it's still early days for Tuchel, but the alarm bells were ringing when Jordan Henderson was recalled to the squad, and they nearly deafened everyone when he got picked to start.
We get having him around as an old head for all the youngsters to count on, but should he be playing? Come on.
It's the World Cup next year and I honestly wish I could turn my back on England and support a different nation to save myself the pain, but supporting that lot of numpties is about the closest I get to being patriotic.