England were incredibly poor v Andorra, unsurprisingly resembling a knackered group of players at the end of the season understandably struggling to break down a deep defence after not playing much football together. They clearly erred on the side of complacency against a team ranked 173 in the world.
This England featured just three starters – Jordan Pickford, Jude Bellingham and Harry Kane – from the side that started the European Championship final last year, with Declan Rice among those left largely on the bench. It featured a central midfielder at right-back, a right-back at left-back and a 34-year-old semi-retiree in midfield.
It was pretty sh*t but largely immaterial as England cruise towards the World Cup. As Jonathan Wilson wrote in The Guardian: ‘England could have played scintillating football and beaten Andorra 10-0 and it wouldn’t have made them any more likely to be lifting the prize in New Jersey next July.’
But that’s The Guardian and Matt Law writes for the Daily Telegraph, where opinions are never knowingly undersold:
Wanted: England footballers with some personality
It becomes increasingly obvious throughout the piece that Law has no idea what he means by ‘personality’ – his twin cravings for Jack Grealish and John Stones demonstrates that beautifully – but we feel compelled to start at the end of this confused nonsense of a column:
Tuchel may have to rely on his own personality to rub off on his players between now and the World Cup to prevent an identity issue becoming a full-on crisis.
A ‘full-on crisis’?! They are literally top of their World Cup qualifying group and have not conceded a single goal. What the actual f***? How would Law and his miserable kind cope if they were covering Italy?
It’s such an odd stance to take: To watch England stutter and stumble against Andorra and decide that what they need is not a) a rest or b) injured/rested players like Rice, Miles Lewis-Skelly, Bukaya Saka and Marcus Rashford, but c) ‘personality’.
Oddly this apparently means Taylor Harwood-Bellis over Dan Burn, with Law writing:
One imagines that we will never see Harwood-Bellis in an England shirt under Tuchel, who has brought 33-year-old Dan Burn into his squad. Brawn, muscle and traditional defensive instincts have been favoured over an ability to play the ball out from the back.
Harwood-Bellis has just been relegated with one of the worst Premier League teams in history, fella; Burn has been the mainstay of a Newcastle side bound for the Champions League.
Marc Guehi was groomed by Southgate and Carsley to be the mainstay of an England defence without Maguire or John Stones, but Tuchel has looked elsewhere for the “strong, aggressive defenders with big personalities” he believes are essential.
Pesky fact: Guehi started England’s last game v Latvia and was rotten. He was spared this international break through injury so Tuchel has had no choice but to ‘look elsewhere’.
Henderson started for the first time since November 2023 in Espanyol’s stadium in Barcelona. Tuchel has reinstated the midfielder for his leadership qualities, which he insists have already been evident behind the scenes. But that is yet to translate to an injection of personality on the pitch.
Now Mediawatch does not necessarily agree with the return of Henderson but ‘yet to translate to an injection of personality on the pitch’ is nothing short of ridiculous when the man has played 82 minutes of football over three matches.
Declan Rice is a player from both the Southgate and Carsley eras who possesses plenty of personality. He was rested for the majority of the Andorra game and England missed his ability to drive with the ball and raise energy levels. It is odd that Tuchel did not immediately appoint Rice as Harry Kane’s official vice-captain.
You know what’s odd? Calling for Rice to be appointed Kane’s official vice-captain when England have never had an official vice-captain outside of tournament football.
You might dislike Tuchel – he is German, after all – but berating him for not appointing a man to a non-existent role is desperate stuff.
‘Injuries have meant Bukayo Saka is yet to play for Tuchel and he, too, can add personality to the current side,’ concedes Law, giving us some idea that what he means by ‘personality’ might actually just be ‘good football’.
He skirts past Jude Bellingham – a man who clearly has both kinds of ‘personality’ – and dismisses Reece James as an ‘introvert’ (as opposed to the garrulous Saka?) and then lands on Kane:
Kane is an ambassadorial leader who can set standards through his performances and delivery, but he is not a personality whose character shapes a team’s identity.
Mediawatch is struggling to understand how a player can simultaneously ‘set standards through his performances and delivery’ and fail to ‘shape a team’s identity’.
As we suspected, the answer – as ever, from Aston Villa fan Law – lies with Jack Grealish. Now there’s a man with a ‘personality’. Whatever the f*** that means.
We then turn to The Times to find that ‘Thomas Tuchel’s main conundrum to solve is England’s defence’. Is that the defence that has conceded no goals and just 10 shots in three games? That England defence?