Last season on “The Real Housewives of Valley Ranch,” things got heated when matriarch Jerry Jones got all up in franchise quarterback Dak Prescott’s business.
“I don’t wanna be sarcastic, but have you got the same arithmetic I’ve got?” the Cowboys owner questioned a reporter. “We’ve won three games with Dak. OK? So I’m just saying we weren’t playing well with Dak. At all.”
Realizing that Jones was paying his quarterback (who was injured in Week 9 and missed the rest of the season) $20 million per win was apparently the kind of arithmetic that made all of Dallas ask, “Has anyone seen our knives? Oh right, they’re in Dak’s back.”
Now with Cowboys training camp underway, the drama has returned and the Housewives are even more vicious!
Four-time Pro Bowler Micah Parsons is in the final season of his rookie contract and is expecting to make bank as one of the best defensive players in the NFL.
According to Parsons, last March, he got called in to a meeting with the Cowboys matriarch. After some hot goss, Jones abruptly changed the subject and tried to sign Parsons to an extension without his agent present in the room.
Later, when Parsons’ agent pushed back and tried to pick up negotiations with the team in a professional manner, Jones ghosted him.
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Sad when an NFL owner worth $16 billion apparently still can’t afford a phone with a thumbs up emoji.
Perhaps if the agent wanted Jones to say something to him, he should’ve dressed up as a TV camera.
Understandably, Parsons felt disrespected by Jones and demanded a trade heading into training camp.
As for Jones, he stirred the conflict with what can only be described as “authentic frontier gibberish.”
“When I grew up, I knew when Mama wouldn’t let me do something, going to Daddy and Daddy letting me do it. Then going back in and saying to Mama, ‘Daddy said I could do it.’ That old Mama/Daddy stuff, we got here doing that by nature. We’re not going to do that,” Jones said.
This is what happens when the Housewives drink the wine instead of throwing it in each other’s faces.
It turned out that Jones was just getting warmed up. Once he started rolling, he brought up former Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant and his representative Jay-Z.
“Because when we have a problem with the player, the agent is nowhere to be found,” Jones said. “Jay-Z said that Dez would make all meetings. Jay-Z and I negotiated the contract, spent hours. He said, ‘Anybody in my organization is on time.’ He said, ‘My office used to be on the street corner, and I’ve always been early. So they will be on time.’ And what did I say? I said, ‘I’m going to call you [when I have a problem].’ He quit taking my call.”
Gosh, with that level of coherence, why wouldn’t Jay-Z pick up?
Sometimes it helps to watch the Housewives with subtitles on. In this case, even those would read “I GOT NOTHING.”
Despite all of Jones’ money and fame, he still sheds a tear at the memory of being ghosted by the guy who recorded “Big Pimpin’.” Who among us can’t relate?
Actually, there’s a decent chance Jones is anatomically unable to shed tears considering he’s had more work done on his face than every Real Housewife combined.
Money well spent!
Credit: Kirby Lee-Imagn Images
Nonetheless, the matriarch is feuding with Parsons, who wants to be traded. This has somehow led to an online catfight between Bryant and Nicki Minaj. (For real!)
We’re still a month away from opening kickoff of what’s sure to be a scintillating six-win season and “The Real Housewives of Valley Ranch” is already the Super Bowl of drama and backstabbing.
Unlike most Cowboys games of the past three decades, this series is can’t miss.
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