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Our hottest takes before Arsenal throws cold water on us on Sunday
The Premier League is so back. Is Manchester United? Other articles on this site and technically-unaffiliated podcasts have preached setting realistic expectations. But this isn’t the place to harbor stoicism. It’s time for our annual bold predictions that should only be taken half seriously and definitely should not be unearthed at the end of the season.
Nathan Heintschel: Time to add the final UEFA Cup to the Infinity Gauntlet. Conference League, here we come!
This team is not good enough to challenge for the Champions League or even Europa League places. The Conference League? Maybe!
This take relies on a lot of water finding its level again. The Premier League middle class would have to regress compared to the 2024-25 season, while Manchester United needs to turn some losses into draws, and draws into wins, etc. Both of these things in a vacuum seem possible. Clubs like Nottingham Forest, Bournemouth and Brentford overperformed last season and were subsequently hit hard in the transfer window — Manchester United even contributing to that pillaging.
Factor in Newcastle United and Aston Villa (and even Crystal Palace) playing in Europe, while not really strengthening their squads in the summer, could mean table position fluctuation. The top four are likely locked in, pending calamity, with Tottenham probably returning to fifth or sixth place. In a three-horse race between United, Newcastle and Aston Villa, with one team missing out on Europe, all I’m saying is crazier things have happened.
(P.S. I know I just predicted a ninth-place finish on the unaffiliated Fergie Fledglings podcast, but we’re trying to have fun, okay.)
Colin Damms: Benjamin Sesko scores 2 goals before December, but 10+ the rest of the campaign
I am cautiously optimistic about Benjamin Sesko despite seeing very little of him playing football with my own eyes. What I do know is he is large, he can move, he’s decent with the ball and he can absolutely rip a shot.
With all of that said, I think if he does kick off it may be after an adjustment period. This is a front line with three brand new players and no pre-established connection. On top of that, we’ve got a whole team behind them that has yet to show they can operate Ruben Amorim’s system.
I think Sesko and the rest of the team grow into the season a bit, and once familiarity is established, we start to see him banging in goals for fun.
Key word: fun.
Please be fun this year.
United upgraded their goalscoring talent this summer, right? Coupled with Bruno Fernandes playing in a deeper role during the preseason to accommodate the likes of Matheus Cunha and Bryan Mbeumo, Fernandes could replicate his contributions from the 2020-21 season.
The 2020-21 season marked one of United’s best seasons in the post-Fergie era, and it was also the season that Fernandes announced himself as That Guy. He scored 18 goals and assisted 12 during that season. Last season was United’s worst goalscoring season in decades, YET, despite this fact, Bruno still managed to assist 10 goals — his second-highest total as a Red.
If you look at Fernandes’ nuclear season, he was the top goalscorer with Marcus Rashford (11), Edinson Cavani (10) and Mason Greenwood (7) ranking as the next highest goal scorers. If Fernandes plays a deeper playmaking role this season, he has Cunha, Mbeumo, Amad Diallo and Benjamin Šeško (maybe even Zirkzee?) playing around him, who are all expected to contribute more goals than was achieved last season. Surely that combo of players can match the goalscoring efforts of 2020-21.
Frankly, we MUST score more goals. We MUST be more entertaining. We MUST show progress so that we’re not starting the 2026-27 season with a manager not named Ruben Amorim. I think Fernandes is going to play a massive role in moving the club’s offensive inertia in a positive direction. He will win the PL Playmaker Award because he has to be the best player for this club in transition, and, to set up my next take, will play a massive role in launching one of our new signings into success.
Remember the early days of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer when United used to run at defenders in the box causing them to make frantic efforts to slow them down leading to a high amount of penalties? That was fun! United won 25 penalties in the 2019-20 & 2020-21 Premier League seasons. In the four seasons since they’ve won 15.
Expect that number to rise this season. Ruben Amorim’s system may not be good at generating good shots from open play, but increased minutes for Amad at wingback should put him in advantageous 1v1 situations as he runs into the box. If he continues to be a handful for defenders we’ll surely see some clumsy fouls putting Bruno at the spot.
Nathan Heintschel: One of the new signings scores more than 15 league goals
The meme below explains this take better than I ever could.
It would be great if Harry Maguire scored at least five goals from set pieces in addition to United’s forwards actually scoring goals. It would be less good if Maguire is getting some of these goals because he’s being sent forward at the end of matches because United are desperate for an equalizer.
Colin Damms: Manchester United qualify for Europe, one way or another
Top 4 and a trophy, top 8 and no trophy, Top 17 and a trophy.
I don’t know, man, it’s hard to predict where this team will end up, but I’ll take a swing of confidence at Manchester United being in Europe in some form next year. There are three competitions now, and opportunities to qualify via both domestic cups and league finish.
The real money of course is still in the Champions League, but the club is spending in a way that will require some extra revenue, and every little bit helps.
This would of course mean progress (maybe) in some form, as well as other teams dropping off (more likely than us going supersonic), such as Newcastle, Brentford, Bournemouth, Nottingham Forest, Aston Villa and everyone else who also finished above us last season.
But back to being confident: The team is making moves this summer, and there is actually some depth at the forward positions now. Center back options are solid and there is ambition to bring in a midfielder before the deadline. The right moves mean a higher ceiling, maybe even just high enough to go dancing in Europe again next season.