We’re sorry, girls. Preview Percy got married this summer and now appears by kind permission of Daisy in this his first effort of the season...
And so we hail the dawning of a new season for which, as ever, for the next few hours anyway, we cling on to the vain hope that 2025/26 will be streets ahead of 2024/25. Our opening engagement takes us up north to the mouth of the River Wear, where we will be hosted by newly-promoted Sunderland.
It’s a 3pm Saturday kick-off for which saints be praised. Trains look ok as well – it’s almost as if the powers that be haven’t cottoned on to the fact that football is back yet. Give them a week or two and you’ll be delayed faster than you can say “replacement bus service”, you mark my words.
So Sunderland, then. As mentioned they got promoted by way of the play-off system after they finished in 4th place. The regular season saw them well off the pace for the automatic promotion places which were sewn up by Leeds and Burnley a long way from home.
However, they had amassed enough early enough to ensure that play-off qualification was assured well before the end of the season. Which, as it turned out, may have been just as well given that they lost their last five league games on the trot.
They returned to winning ways, dispatching fat-boy’s Coventry 3-2 on aggregate, before turning over Sheffield United 2-1 in the final at a Wembley Stadium for which the Blades’ end was half empty. Clearly all that campaigning for fairness in football will have taken a lot out of the supporters of a club which is still sitting on a suspended points deduction over their policy of signing players from other clubs and not remembering to pay for them.
As you will be aware, newly-promoted sides either go mad with the cheque book once promoted or make do with what they have with one eye on receiving a parachute payment on their return to the lower orders. Much to Daisy’s disdain, Sunderland have signed 10 players on permanent deals plus another on loan at the time of writing.
The now Mrs Percy had a good time of it in the last window but is having to earn her keep as the new season starts. This she does by just writing about the players she finds interesting. Or perhaps slightly less boring.
The first brand new arrival – French midfielder Le Fee, was already there on loan – was Senegalese midfielder Habib Diarra. Diarra cost £30m to secure from Strasbourg and has spent most of his life in France, picking up age group honours up to Under 21 level. Whereupon he switched allegiance to the Senegal of his birth.
The African continent features heavily amongst their summer signings. Belgian-born Noah Sadiki is another who gained international honours for one country - Belgium – before switching to Doctor Congo. The defender, who can operate as either a full back or central defender arrived from Union St Gillois having come through the Anderlecht youth system.
One of the later African arrivals was our old mate Arthur Masuaku who pitched up on a free from Besiktas the other day. In his time with us he was one of those players who achieved minor cult status in spite of his “talents” rather than because of them – the “he never gives the ball away” chant carried irony to the extreme.
Despite his limitations, Masuaku always seemed to play with a smile on his face and of course he will forever be remembered for the freak goal that gave us a 3-2 win over Chelsea a while back. It would be nice to see him start – not least because I suspect that Jarrod Bowen would be licking his lips at the prospect.
Despite being promoted, Sunderland weren’t over prolific in the goalscoring charts last season. Wilson Isidor was their top scorer with a less than whelming 13 goals, despite the confirmation of his move from sanctions-bound Zenit St Petersburg becoming permanent in February.
With one mind on that – those last five games yielded just the one goal – they have brought in Chelsea youngster Marc Guiu on loan. The Spanish kid has a European hat-trick to his name, albeit against Shamrock Rovers. He made only the three league appearances for Chelsea last season.
They are hoping that the ammunition to supply Guiu will come from a pair of wingers, again of African origin. Right winger Chemsdine Talbi hopped across the North Sea from Club Brugge for a fee of £16.5m potentially rising to £19m with add-ons. He’s been capped at junior levels by Belgium but has declared himself for the Morocco of his forbears, though his first cap is still awaited.
The other flank awaits Ivorian Simon Adingra who arrived for £21m from Brighton. He was part of the squad. He was part of the Ivory Coast side that took home the African Cuppasoup in 2023 and will probably be with them at next year’s tournament.
With that we move on to the Wild And Wacky World Of Association Football for the first time this season. And with every new season there are some daft new kit designs.
Top of the list must be the Forest Green Rovers “leopard print” design made out of recycled vegans or some such stuff. The design, we are told, was “inspired by nature” though in fact one is immediately put in mind of the interior designs of Derek Trotter and, indeed, our own chairman, such is the dreadfulness.
Then, in non-league, we have Whitby Town’s change kit which was inspired by the Bram Stoker novel and subsequent innumerable film adaptations Dracula. Bats, Whitby Abbey and text from the book all feature in the purple and black monstrosity which, presumably, came at the end of a particularly liquid brainstorming session by some consultants.
However, it’s not a new idea. Spurs were going to do something similar with regard to the world of cinema, but Walt Disney were reluctant to release the rights to the use of Mickey Mouse.
Finally a press release referencing Sheffield United’s third kit arrived through the good offices of Private Eye magazine. This mentions the kit referencing “volatile nights out at the Hex nightclub” Now I have no idea what colour this kit is but if there isn’t something blood and vomit-stained with the words “leave him Carl, he’s not worth it” involved I’d be mightily disappointed.
And so to us. A mixed pre-season one would say. The Bournemouth win in the US of A owed much to the Cherries’ inability to hit a cow’s backside with a banjo in the first 20 minutes or so. The New Sponsor Cup match was interesting enough, though it was only in the second half that we started getting crosses in on a regular basis. Need to improve the conversion rate, though.
Of course, at this time of the year Mrs Percy has to put in an extra shift as we have our own new signings to consider. So welcome then (in addition to the already here Jean Clair Todibo) messrs Malick Diouf, Kyle Walker-Peters, Mads Hermansen and Callum Wilson to the first team squad.
Diouf arrived for £19m from Slavia Prague. After starting his career in youth football in his native Senegal he upped sticks to Norway, obviously, where he had a season with Tromso. This brought him to the attention of Slavia Prague for whom he signed in January 2024.
He featured in the Slavia side that won the Czech League last season before pitching up with us this summer. He’s a full international for Senegal having gained four caps since his debut in September 2024.
Diouf’s Senegal travails is one of the reasons for the arrival of Kyle “Bob Danvers” Walker-Peters. Walker-Peters arrived from downwards-bound Southampton on a free.
He’s capable of providing his services as full or wing back on either flank and, with another African Cuppasoup on the way in January he’ll see a lot of game time with Diouf, and probably Wan-Bissaka, who has thrown his hat in with Doctor Congo for international purposes, likely to miss significant game time in the new year.
We have plundered the carcass of Leicester City to bolster our options between the sticks. Enter Mads Hermansen, whose transfer from the Foxes cost us £16m. He has been described as “comfortable on the ball”, which is a pre-requisite for goalkeepers these days.
He’s also noted for shot-stopping and has good record with penalty kicks apparently. He was unveiled before the crowd pre-match last Saturday, which must have made the post-match chat fun, with Areola, the man he’s ostensibly here to replace, saving two spot-kicks to hand us the Susan Boyle Cup.
At time of writing, the final arrival so far has been Wilson. With Antonio being released clearly they needed another player to keep the physio busy. He’s one of those who invariably used to score against us – punching the ball into the net from an offside position being a particular favourite. The annoying thing is that if he tries that for us it will be spotted.
Now it’s said to have been a cheap option but – and I mean no disrespect to the lad – but I’d hoped for someone a little less close to my age to come in on the striker front. Niclas Fullkrug has looked good in pre-season, but his own injury record is a bit chequered of late and we are only one hamstring away from having Wilson as our sole option. I think I’ve written this every season since I can remember with only the names changed from time to time.
On the injury front, we are down to Crysencio Summerville whose bizarre hamstring problem seems to have been going on for so long that it may well have been the first recorded hamstring problem in history. With him not having featured in any of the friendlies, we’ll be looking at the end of September for him. Other than that it’s a full squad.
Prediction? Well they always go on about the extra boost that newly promoted teams get for their first few games. But the performances don’t always reflect accepted wisdom on these matters. One only has to look back at the battering we gave Forest on their return only to lose 1-0 thanks to a combination of poor finishing and the usual dreadful refereeing. Ok so we lost that one, but the point is still valid, performance-wise.
This is one of those ones where quietening the crowd will be the order of the day as they come to face some harsh realities. So the £2.50 that I was going to spend on a present for Daisy to celebrate four weeks of wedded bliss will instead be sent over to Mr Winstone’s Online Digital Turf Accountancy business and wagered on a 2-1 away win.
When last we met at The So-Called Stadium Of Light: Drew 2-2 (Premier League April 2017
Ayew put us one up against a side managed by a chap called Moyes, after Carroll had screwed a first-time shot across goal. Khazri equalised direct from a corer that had Randolph flapping around like a 1920’s female. Ginge restored the lead heading home a corner shortly after the interval and we should have put the game to bed well before Borini stuck a loose ball away after another ‘mare from Randolph. Byram picked up a late red for a second yellow. Predictably they were relegated shortly afterwards.
Referee: Rob Jones
I had hoped for honesty from PGMOL but last weekend’s Charity Shield showed that Liverpool are still going to benefit from officials manipulating decisions in their favour. The failure to give a penalty to Palace was criminal as was the failure of the commentators to comment on the incredibly bent nature of the decision lest it upset the most corrupt club in Europe. Jones’s stock in trade is to issue two yellows to a player for minor infractions whilst a player nearly breaking a player’s leg will get away scot-free. Much like his employers every year.
Danger Man: Mark Guiu
A bit of an unknown quantity at this level – Chelsea used him more in cup matches last year. They’ll be pinning their hopes on him hitting the ground running.
Percy and Daisy’s Amazing Sunderland Fact Of The Week Type Thing
Butch Cassidy, notorious outlaw and part inspiration behind one of the greatest films of all time was of Mackem stock. His Mum Alice lived in the city (then town)’s Monkwearmouth district. Look out for use of the phrase “For a moment there I thought we were in trouble….”
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