We have no idea whether Preview Percy has any plans to visit the USA any time soo but given he doesn't appear to be a fan of the current regime he may find it difficult getting through immigration if this week's look at the visit of Chelsea is anything to go by. Mind you that's probably true of most countries...
Next we return home after our trek to the North East where we will play host to Chelsea. It's the first messed-about game of the season with a kick-off time of 8pm for the benefit of Sky Sports and nobody else.
Still, on the bright side if your significant other has plans for you for the bank holiday weekend at least you can make the most of the weekend. Unless of course the significant other's plans for you involve DIY or some such nonsense.
So Chelsea then. Fresh from selling assets to themselves in a what is in no way a dodgy manoeuvre to avoid punishment for financial failures with regard to the profit and sustainability regulations, they start the season basking in the largely ridiculed glory of having won a pre (or post) season tournament final against PSG.
There was some aptness to the fact that Donald Trump presented them with the trophy given that they owed their presence there to the largesse of Trump's boss Putin over the years. Incidentally Trump managed to sneak the trophy home with him and they may never see it again!
Their opener last weekend was a disappointing 0-0 home draw against Crystal Palace notable for the first appearance this season of the result of PGMOL's annual "Which law of the game do we normally ignore but will enforce rigorously for the first few weeks of the season" lottery.
This season's winner out of the hat was the law that states attacking players must remain at least one metre (that's about 3ft 3in proper measurements) away from a defensive wall saving Chelsea from going 1-0 behind. Watch them score in similar circumstances on Friday.
As you can imagine they were fairly active in the transfer market, having sold one of the leftover steak and gristle pies from the Shed to themselves for £100m (well it was an antique) to finance a few deals, keeping Daisy aka the New Mrs Percy fairly busy.
The first arrival in a split window designed to ensure those playing in the Donald Trump Is Wonderful Trophy could bring in a few players before the tournament began, was midfielder Daniel Essugo. Who came in from Sporting for a fee of £18.5m. Although he was given a sub runout out in the States, he remained unused on the bench last weekend.
Liam Delap came in from a release-clause-inspired £30m from Ipswich, for whom he scored 12 in his 37 league games last term in their doomed-from-the-start attempt to stay up. Like your correspondent he is partly of Irish stock but has elected to stick with the England set up but missed out on picking up an Under 21 Euro-winner's medal so he could go to the US and worship at the feet of Donald Trump. Delap was a starter last week against Palace.
Brighton turned in a nice profit from their little black box analytical machine, turning the £30m they paid Watford for Joao Pedro into £55m when Chelsea came a-knocking. In truth his days on the south coast appeared numbered towards the end of last season when he was dropped following a training ground incident.
"He'll be back stronger next season", said Brighton boss Huerzeler, somehow omitting the words "once we've cashed in on him". He's another one signed in time to gaze adoringly into the eyes of Donald Trump during the summer and he was also a starter last weekend.
Jamie Gittens fetched an eyebrow-raising £48m for Borussia Dortmund and must be kicking himself that he played for the Germans in the US, thus missing out on the chance to shake hands with Donald Trump. One of an increasing number of youngsters who have elected to spend part of their formative years abroad, Gittens had started out at Reading and at Manchester City.
The player capturing all the press commen in recent weeks has been Brazilian youngster Estevao. Having missed the American trip he impressed in a pre-season friendly against Bayer Leverkusen but failed to make an impact in last weekend's season-opener.
He's already gained five full caps for his native Brazil at the tender age of 18 and commanded a fee of €34m – with a potential further €23m in add-ons to come – when moving across the Atlantic from Palmeiras.
Enough of them, I hear you say. Prey what of the Wild and Wacky World of Association Football? And a gravely-titled "Premier League Statement" arrived in my inbox this afternoon. What could it be? Man City decision finally arrived at? Liverpool finally sanctioned for llegal transfer approaches?
Don't be daft. The powers that be were as pleased as punch with themselves for fining Aston Villa for failure to operate the multiball system properly, teaching their ballboys to throw the balls to the home side rather than making the players pick the thing up from the cones.
Villa have been fined £125,000 and banned from using the multiball system for a few games. That'll teach them. Glad to see that the disciplinary process can move swiftly when confronted wit the really important things in the game.
Meanwhile, way up north, the Alexandr Isak saga rolls on in front of a football audience sitting back with a plastic cup full of Kia-Ora and a bowl full of popcorn. Having been nudged by Liverpool, Newcastle refused to play ball and, as things stand, the player will be stuck there, without a first team place and unable to leave.
Whilst the window is still open, the odds are on the player leaving for somewhere but it would be great if Newcastle stuck to their guns and stuck the player with the development squad until January.
Talking of the North East brings us to us. Oh dear. It didn't start well, our tickets which came with a "THESE MUST BE PRINTED" order which directed us to a turnstile number that didn't exist. Re-directed to the turnstile dedicated to the away support, it came as little surprise that the QR code also didn't work, the poor bloke with the staff card working overtime to let people in.
After the climb upstairs it was then time to find a block which, you may have worked out, also didn't exist. Having located what turned out to be an unsigned vomitorium one eventually found one's seat.
The match itself was, well see any one of tons of reports from last season. Given the fact that Potts had been heavily involved during Pre-season, it seemed odd that Rodriguez was preferred in midfield, adding as he does an extra dimension of not having pace to the lack of pace amongst the rest of midfield.
The first half was ok, I suppose, with us dominating possession but showing little for it. Still at the interval the thought was we might get out of first gear in the second half. And we did, though one would have preferred us to have slipped up to second, rather than reverse.
It took one goal for us to fold, a speculative cross from deep, a lack of meaningful challenge and a looping header that crept in at the far post causing the problems. One became two as, having worked out that aerial challenges were not on our menu for the day, the home side stuck another cross over with the same result.
The third was pure farce. 2-0 down with a fair bit of stoppage and forcing corner after corner that looked dangerous when thrown into the mix, Paqueta decided that he would pull one back to the edge of the box instead. 10 seconds later it was three with Hermansen failing to save something that he probably ought to have done. Notably it was only at this point that the home support woke up, despite reports to the contrary in the press.
The Baroness was trotted out later on to her favourite radio station for the hard of thinking. As ever nobody from the radio station thought to pick her up on some of the tosh she was spouting.
For example the Baroness is still claiming the stadium move as being the most successful thing since someone once said “hey let’s make a phone that you can stick in your pocket”. As others have pointed out, the mere fact that she is still – after nearly 10 years – having to defend it is, in itself, rather telling.
The reason for the stadium’s “success” according to the Baroness is that we have 35,000 families attending every week, a comment that makes as much sense as Donald Trump. Let’s analyse that shall we?
If we take a “family” to mean two or more generations of the same kinship that would mean a minimum attendance each week of at least 70,000 people, even before you count those who, like me, use the opportunity to have an hour or two off from our loved ones.
Either the Baroness was referring to, say, 17,500 families attending, in which case the 35,000 figure was, at best misleading, or the figure was plucked out of the air. And I believe the board has previous for either scenario.
The most worrying comment was to the effect that the current owners are going nowhere. On the one hand that suggests that they are happy with their lot. On the other and, given the Baroness’s track record in interviews, that could well mean that talks are at an advanced stage for the club to be sold to party or parties unknown. Ah one can dream
Meanwhile on the pitch the problems are the same as last season’s. A midfield with no pace or creativity will always struggle against a side playing two banks of four across the pitch.
You either need pace or someone with something a little different to shift the ball between the banks or you end up with what we got on Saturday: pass after pass across the pitch and backwards. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before – only it ain’t funny. Particularly those of us who endured a 600 mile round trip for all that.
Looking forward, we have three on the injury list. Summerville we knew about already, youngster George Earthy did his ankle in early in pre-season whilst Guilherme, the sort of player we were crying out for last weekend, has broken his collar bone.
Which brings us to the prediction. Well yes I know that it would be typical West Ham to beat Chelsea after such an abject performance the previous week but even I can’t see that happening. Particularly since they will be able to field a fully-fit Michael Oliver as well.
So the £2.50 that I managed to hide from being stolen by the Sunderland stewards (yeah I’ll bet every penny confiscated would have made it to charity) will instead be donated to the Winstone Digital Turf Accountancy service for a wager on a 3-1 win to the visitors.
Enjoy the game!
When last we met at The Olympic Lost 0-3 (Premier League September 2024)
2-0 down when we were handed a lifeline in the form of a penalty. Or at least we would have had it not been for the fact that Stuart Atwell was in the VAR booth. “Yeah it was a foul but it didn’t go on for long enough” was his comment. When asked to point out where in the laws of the game there was a minimum time requirement for blatant fouls he responded “it’s there somewhere I expect. Ohh look kittens” before pointing one way and running off in another.
Referee: Michael Oliver
The commentators’ favourite he has free reign to make it up as he goes along, a privilege he exercises at every opportunity, safe in the knowledge that he is too senior an official to receive any sort of sanction, even if PGMOL dished out sanctions for duff refereeing. Which they don’t.
Danger Man: Cole Palmer
Word reaches me from the stattos of this parish that he hasn’t troubled the back of the net since January. We all know what that means.
Chelsea was the home to the world’s first artificially frozen ice-rink. This was installed in the Kings Road in 1876 and was still in use until recently as an aid to tell Chelsea players how to fall down without contact. It has been replaced by a state-of-the-art facility at the training ground.
Percy and Daisy’s Amazing Chelsea Fact Of The Week Type Thing
Chelsea was the home to the world’s first artificially frozen ice-rink. This was installed in the Kings Road in 1876 and was still in use until recently as an aid to tell Chelsea players how to fall down without contact. It has been replaced by a state-of-the-art facility at the training ground.
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