(Part of the Reasons Not To Be Cheerful series)
The range of subjects that can be studied these days is extensive. This week I came across an examination paper set for a group who are on a Football Satirical Studies course. They have to sit a topical examination throughout the duration of the course and this week’s paper related to West Ham. I included a copy of the paper in my article yesterday. There is a follow up paper for keen students where the Nottingham Forest v West Ham game this Sunday is previewed – I thought you might like to take a look.
**Football Studies: West Ham vs Nottingham Forest – Hope, Hype & Humiliation Examination Paper**
**Module**: Premier League Prognostics
**Date of Fixture**: Sunday 31st August 2025
**Duration**: 90 minutes – After 45 minutes you are allowed a 15 minute break (time may be added on at the end of each half of the exam at the discretion of the invigilator – just ask if you need more time – you probably will!)
**Instructions**: Answer all questions. Use tactical insight, historical trauma, and gallows humour. Cite Chris Wood sparingly. Emotional outbursts are permitted in moderation, although marks will be deducted (whether justified or not) for expletives. No marks will be deducted for incorrect spelling of Nuno Espirito Santo or Evangelos Marinakis although you are expected to refer to them throughout the answers to the questions. Additional marks will be given for appropriate use of Brian Clough quotes.
**Section A: Tactical Forecasting (30 marks)**
1\. Using Forest’s 3-1 win over Brentford and West Ham’s 1-5 loss to Chelsea, model the expected possession split, shot count, touches in opponent’s penalty area and defensive errors. Include projected minutes until West Ham concede their first goal.
2\. Evaluate the threat posed by Chris Wood, who has scored 13 league goals at the City Ground since last season—second only to Mo Salah. How should West Ham’s backline prepare, assuming they remember how to mark?
3\. Discuss the impact of West Ham’s belated transfer dealings this week.
**Section B: Psychological Warfare (30 marks)**
4\. Discuss the mental state of West Ham fans heading into the City Ground, where Forest have won their last four home games against the Hammers without conceding. Include coping mechanisms and chants of defiance.
5\. Critique Graham Potter’s motivational strategy after two league defeats, eight goals conceded, and one goal scored. Should he quote Churchill, channel Allardyce, or simply apologise?
6\. Nottingham Forest are fresh off Europa League qualification. Debate whether this fixture is a mismatch in ambition, form, or just basic competence.
**Section C: Creative Prognosis (40 marks)**
7\. Write a fictional match report for a Forest win. Include tactical breakdown, fan reactions, and a post-match quote from Potter that subtly blames the pitch, the weather or any other laughable excuse.
8\. Compose a pre-match team talk for West Ham, delivered by a disillusioned club legend. The tone of the talk should mix part Shakespearean tragedy with part East End pub rant.
9\. Design a fan protest banner that captures the existential dread of travelling to Nottingham with zero points and a minus-seven goal difference. Bonus marks for rhyming.
10\. “West Ham’s chances this weekend have been described as being like their midfield – thin, confused, and negligible.” Discuss this statement using metaphor, irony, and historical parallels. How will the club’s late flurry in the transfer market this week change the outcome?