Another day, another bombshell. This time it’s Bruno Fernandes again, who is busy issuing transfer ultimatums to Manchester United that require you to entirely ignore what that word actually means.
Meanwhile, there’s more Mo Salah news because there is always more Mo Salah news and the Premier League’s most recognisable figure remaining entirely recognisable in a Santa suit despite The Sun inexplicably describing him as ‘unrecognisable’ and including some very, very recognisable pictures.
Mediawatch is in urgent need of its Christmas break.
Frank Bruno
After Bruno Fernandes followed Mo Salah down the BOMBSHELL INTERVIEW route (let’s not bog ourselves down in the timeline of when precisely he gave said interview and who actually BOMBSHELLED first) things have now escalated further.
Manchester United captain Bruno Fernandes has put his future at Old Trafford into major doubt with a bombshell interview and has now revealed where exactly he wants to go
It’s a bombastic bombshell of a standfirst from the Mirror but what’s really got our attention is a headline that goes even further into triggering our WORDS USED TO MEAN THINGS sensors.
Bruno Fernandes reveals THREE moves he’s open to in Man Utd transfer ultimatum
Ultimatum! Let’s go to our old friend the dictionary:
A final demand or set of terms in a negotiation, where rejection will lead to serious consequences like a breakdown in relations, retaliation, or the use of force
And now let’s look at what Bruno has actually said.
“I want to stay at Manchester United as long as I feel desired.”
Oh. We guess that’s kind of an ultimatum, albeit absolutely not the one hinted at by that overexcited headline.
“I would like to experience the Spanish league and fight for big titles in Italy. I have many connections to Italy… my daughter was born there.
“I’ve already thought about returning to Portugal… the first option would be Sporting. To be happy, like it was with Sporting. But I don’t want to ruin the image that was left.”
Those definitely sound like final demands where rejection will lead to serious consequences like a breakdown in relations, retaliation or the use of force and definitely not an idle wish-list reeled off in the throwaway style of a man who sounds more like he’s considering possible holiday destinations than issuing demands and or ultimatums (ultimata?)
Secret Santa
This is The Sun’s headline on some light-hearted festive whimsy.
HO-HO-HO-LAND Premier League icon unrecognisable as he goes undercover as Father Christmas – but his voice catches him out
These are the pictures accompanying that story.
“Premier League icon unrecognisable as he goes undercover as Father Christmas – but his voice catches him out”
Yes. Definitely the voice that catches him out. pic.twitter.com/ymqiRadrpU
— Football365 (@F365) December 17, 2025
The Sun, we need you to be so serious right now.
But even after those pictures of Erling Haaland somehow looking more Erling Haaland than Erling Haaland has ever looked before, they still carry on for paragraph after paragraph, drip-feeding further clues to help you try and identify the mystery figure. And we’ve not even mentioned the fact they gave the game entirely away in the very first pun at the start of the bloody headline anyway.
This Secret Santa currently resides in the North West rather than the North Pole – but hails from Scandanavia (sic) so is used to the chilly temperatures.
Yeah, we know. It’s Erling Haaland. From ‘Scandanavia’.
Since he arrived in England in 2022, he has sleigh-ed almost every defender who has stood in his way – but been a gift for the fans of his own team.
Yes, that also describes Erling Haaland. But don’t think we didn’t notice that abomination of a pun.
And on his list over the next few weeks are Brentford, West Ham, Nottingham Forest and Sunderland.
Those are Manchester City fixtures, yes, the club for which Erling Haaland plays.
Yes – the man behind the beard is Manchester City’s own Christmas cracker Erling ‘Ho-Ho’ Haaland.
No way? Get right out of town?
AFCON artist
A textbook slice of today’s deliberately deceptive journalistic world accompanied by an even more troubling glimpse into the even worse near-future from the Daily Star here.
Look, we all know the game they’re playing with this headline…
Mo Salah not in Egypt squad as Liverpool forward is left out before AFCON starts
…and again with this standfirst…
Mohamed Salah was left out of Egypt’s squad ahead of the Africa Cup of Nations, with the talismanic Liverpool forward not involved for the Pharoahs
They are exhibits 29823748927349872134 and 29823748927349872135 in the now standard practice of walking the tightrope that is very carefully constructing an attention-grabbing headline designed to look like it’s saying one very big thing while nevertheless still halfway plausibly saying the much smaller thing it is actually saying without tumbling off the high-wire altogether.
What this story is actually about is the entirely predictable news that Mo Salah didn’t play for Egypt in a pre-tournament friendly that took place on the same day he arrived in the country. It would have been bigger news if he had played, but also far harder to dress up as a story that by sheer bad luck looks like it might be saying he’s not going to AFCON at all.
But what we’re really interested in here, sitting below the headline but above a story that apparently required two human writers (we’d imagine one working exclusively on the all-important headline), is the little AI-generated ‘DeeperDive’ box full of relevant related questions.
The very first one?
Why was Mo Salah excluded from Egypt’s AFCON squad?
Well done, everyone. This is definitely fine. We are all definitely fine.
Indignant, Spluttering Daily Mail ALL CAPS of the Day
Fresh from yesterday’s Telegraph lament about the complete and total demise of men on telly – don’t try to think of one, you can’t, because there aren’t any – we’ve got the Daily Mail with the latest update on uppity women taking over.
Manchester United target’s WIFE ‘is behind his plan to quit his club in £70m transfer – because she wants to live in a major European city’
His WIFE? Karim Adeyemi – for it is he – is considering listening to his WIFE?! About a momentous life decision that affects them both?!! Hell in a handcart.